New trend among conservatives: smashing your expensive coffee makers

By Dylan Botelho, Staff Writer

Fans of Sean Hannity apparently no longer need their Keurig coffee machines. People are smashing their Keurig coffee maker machines after the company announced that its advertisements would no longer appear on Fox News host Sean Hannity’s show. Boo-hoo.

The move, an albeit smart one, from Keurig, comes after Hannity suggested people not rush to judgement on Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore, who is facing sexual harassment allegations after persuing relationships with teenagers while he was in his thirties.

This, everyone, is what America has come to. A news host thinks we shouldn’t judge someone for being a sexual predator; oh who, by the way, is running for United States Senate in a Republican state.    It’s just the world we’re living in now. Politics and entertainment is riddled with sexual predators who should and are being ousted.

What’s better is that people, the common America loving citizen that Fox News plays their conservative harp for, are outraged that a coffee company would pull their advertisements and make a judgement on Roy Moore. Advertisements have been pulled for significantly less incidents.

I doubt the company wants you to think “Sexual Predator Defenders” when you see their brand-new Keurig coffee machine while shopping over the holidays, but maybe that’s the liberal snowflake in me talking. Who knows?

After Keurig Green Mountain announced they would be pulling its ads from Hannity’s show, too many of Hannity’s fans and Moore’s rather not judgmental fans took to Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram to share videos of them going full Gronk, and spiking their Keurig machines off the ground. From there, #BoycottKeurig was born.

Except…it wasn’t necessarily a boycott. A Keurig coffee machine will run you from $50 to $100 depending on the different version.

Spoiler alert: in order to smash your Keurig machine into a bunch of pieces, you have to already own one.

You probably own a Keurig because you enjoy coffee or because you need it in order to fully function in the morning.

Your average coffee drinker likely doesn’t have a Keurig. You know why? Because they’re expensive. If you’re not drinking coffee every day, you’ll probably just stop at a Dunkin’ Donuts or Starbucks Coffee on your morning commute.

So here’s what we’ve got so far; everyone who owns a Keurig at least paid $50 for it unless it was a gift, which, boy oh boy, that makes it even worse, and they’re also likely a big fan of coffee.

Yet they were still so outraged about a pulling of advertisements that they opened up their window, looked down their street, and dropped their Keurig a story or two down while probably yelling “This is for Hannity!”

So just imagine that, but instead picture a $50 bill in their hand, and then them slowly ripping it up.

Time for another spoiler alert: Keurig doesn’t care that you broke your Keurig coffee maker machine, because you already paid for it and now you’re just an idiot without a Keurig machine.

They’re not losing any sales. If anything their sales will go up once all those people get the attention they were looking for and go out and buy a second Keurig because they need coffee.

The best part of all of this is imaging a white man with a shaved head and yellow teeth waking up in the morning with his Second Amendment shirt and USA pajamas on taking his cigarette out of his mouth to pour himself a new coffee to start the day only to stop and say “Aw shit…”

Photo Courtesy: Yes I’m Right


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