By Vaude Ville, Writer-at-Large
Clown-catching, a whole new sport developed primarily due to the influx of clowns recently, has taken America by storm.
The sport, popular wherever clowns are sighted, has become one of the more nationally renowned sports, a true example of physical stamina and greatness.
Hailing from the highest physical experiences of toddlers to the feats of professional wrestlers, clown-catching is the new fad.
The rules are every clown caught is worth one point each, with the season lasting for the whole year. The clowns themselves frequently come out closer to night, and typically are found in all residential and developed parts of the United States.
While many books and official documents have been written on the subject, clown behavior ranges from specimen to specimen. Typically it’s accompanied by freezing in place when seen, in an attempt to remain unseen. That’s even if the catcher can clearly see the specimen.
From here, it’s a stare down of exactly five seconds. If, during that five seconds the catcher blinks, the clown will take a step forward, and the timer resets. But if the catcher is of suitable mettle and does not blink, not even for intense watering of the eyes, then the clown will attempt to flee.
At this point, make sure to use the extensive and well-documented list of tools below clinically proven to work in the catching of clowns. Expect a harrowing race to ensue.
Tools for clown-catching are as follows: A net, usually large enough to catch and hold at least one full-grown, adult human; a spray of clown repellent (made from a mixture of purple coloring and water, to no real effect); and several ropes to hog-tie the clowns.
Containing devices such as boxes or maybe a sealed crate are usually handy, as restraining the clowns becomes a chore when you’ve caught five hundred or more.
Recommendations from pro-players are to corner clowns with the use of ropes, usually thrown across large areas of ground and tied to stakes to prevent escape and to corral them into a certain area.
Then, rushing the clowns with nets is preferred, especially all at once. Often the clown panics at this point and will become confrontational, and the spray here works. Clowns are reliant on their facial paint and red noses to see. Coloring them purple distorts eyesight.
Of course, any real color can be used, but purple is the preferred amongst professionals. Unless you’re a casual hunter, in which blue usually costs less as a pigment.
Clowns are turned in at the local sheriff’s, pontiff’s, or police office for the reward. Look for the clown-retrieval office, where presenting them to the good ol’ deputy will net a reward of one point or more. If clowns are turned in for cases of 50-100, then a reward of a five-dollar Market Basket gift card is presented. Truly a generous sum.
But for 100 or more clowns, the great gift of five puppies is bestowed upon the great clown-catchers, to be filled with joy. Less and less offices are offering this magnificent sum, and usually try to replace the puppies with cats.
Interviewing a clown-catcher by the name of Mime, he refers to the sport as the “greatest I’ve played in ages, due to the large number of clowns available.”