Bernie becomes president through flash mob

By Alex Solari, Staff Writer Remember when everyone scoffed at Bernie becoming president? When people pointed and laughed at “Feel the Bern” stickers? Well guess what? Bernie’s back, and better than ever! Sanders just did what everyone thought was impossible: taking over the Trump administration and destroying every one of the policies Trump has put into place, along with stealing the beloved Melania Trump from … Continue reading Bernie becomes president through flash mob

Owning my own multimillion dollar company

By Michaella Lesieur, Staff Writer Okay, so what student can own their own multimillion dollar company, while only being 22 years old? No questions asked – anyone can! It’s called determination, hard work, and a little bit of luck. So, you may be wondering what this multimillion dollar company is… You might want to check the back tag of your newest shirt you are wearing. … Continue reading Owning my own multimillion dollar company

As Trump continues visits to “Winter White House,” US defaults on national debts

By Jesse Goodwin, Staff Writer Earlier today, President Donald Trump announced that for the first time since the Nixon presidency, the U.S. would default on its debt. The president made his announcement from his Mar-a-Lago estate in Palm Beach, colloquially known as the “Winter White House.” According to an analysis from Politico, Trump’s frequent weekend visits to Mar-a-Lago cost about $3 million each. Meanwhile, the … Continue reading As Trump continues visits to “Winter White House,” US defaults on national debts

Oh windmill, windmill, up on high: the matter of windmills

By Don Quixote, Knight From my time tussling with windmills, those greatest of foul beasts and terrors of the night and day and mid-afternoon and evening and slightly before evening and twilight and breakfast and after breakfast, not to mention mid-morning relievings… Anyways, windmills! I come to the kingdom of Dartmouth, to its castle known as UMass. I offer my services to any lord, only … Continue reading Oh windmill, windmill, up on high: the matter of windmills

The hidden demonic horrors of UMass Dartmouth

By Stanley, Opinions and Editorials Editor UMass Dartmouth is full of secrets. To some, the secret could be that your exam tomorrow morning is going to be a failure. To others, these secrets are much deeper. UMass Dartmouth was created in order to serve not students, but demons. Just take a look around campus and you can easily see this is the truth. Concrete, prison-like … Continue reading The hidden demonic horrors of UMass Dartmouth

President arrested after “Trump–tantrum”

By Jesse Goodwin, Staff Writer Yesterday morning, President Donald Trump was arrested outside the White House on charges of disorderly conduct. An enraged Trump was spotted yelling at White House officials, exclaiming that the “fake news media” was undermining his accomplishments as president and cursing “traitors” who voted against the GOP’s American Health Care Act. When police arrived at the scene, they arrested Trump and … Continue reading President arrested after “Trump–tantrum”

Lin-Manuel Miranda wins everything

By Ulysses Pendergast, Associated Press Culture Correspondent In the Bible it is said that God created the Earth in seven days before resting. However, there is an ancient Greek translation of Genesis that says that God created the Earth in eight days before resting. On the seventh day, he created Lin-Manuel Miranda. Since the Greatest Gift of God started his career in 2009 with In … Continue reading Lin-Manuel Miranda wins everything

Sony announces the Emoji extended universe

By John Hamish Watson, Staff Writer Sony pictures has recently announced an extended universe for The Emoji Movie, based on early positive reactions to test screenings. The Emoji Movie, starring T.J. Miller, James Corden, and Ilana Glazer, is the latest animated feature film by Sony Pictures Animation. It is due in theaters August 4 later this year, and an early cut of the film was … Continue reading Sony announces the Emoji extended universe

Apple to revolutionize music. Again.

By Steve Jobs’ Ghost, Former CEO and President of Apple Guess who’s back? Back again. Steve Jobs is back, tell a friend. (Read that to the tune of Eminem’s “Without Me.”) That’s right y’all, Steve Jobs is back from the dead to tell you about Apple’s latest revolutionary product. Remember when I invented the iPod? That thing was pretty sweet, right? You can have hundreds … Continue reading Apple to revolutionize music. Again.

Trump Returns to WWE for WrestleMania 33

By Snake-Face Williams, Staff Writer In four days the WWE will hold its most popular annual event WrestleMania. WrestleMania 33 is being held in Orlando, Fla., at the Camping World Arena and will feature one very special guest, who is no stranger to the ring…or the White House. Yes ladies and gentlemen you heard it here first, the WWE has announced that Donald Trump is … Continue reading Trump Returns to WWE for WrestleMania 33