By Ulysses Pendergast, Associated Press Culture Correspondent
In the Bible it is said that God created the Earth in seven days before resting. However, there is an ancient Greek translation of Genesis that says that God created the Earth in eight days before resting. On the seventh day, he created Lin-Manuel Miranda.
Since the Greatest Gift of God started his career in 2009 with In the Heights, set in the predominantly Dominican-American neighborhood of Washington Heights in New York City, Lin-Manuel Miranda has won 34 awards, largely for his hit musical Hamilton, which this writer still cannot obtain tickets for despite trying to sell his soul for them.
Miranda has won three Tony’s, two Grammy’s, an Emmy, and the 2016 Pulitzer Prize for Drama. He has also been awarded a MacArthur Fellowship.
The possible Son of God is going to need to build a bigger trophy case, as the AP can report exclusively that, despite being nominated for absolutely nothing this year, Lin-Manuel Miranda will be winning every award in every category on Earth.
Robert Wankel, President and Chairman of the Board for the Broadway League, who helps present the Tony Awards each year, said that it was “the highest honor ever bestowed upon him” to give Lin-Manuel Miranda every award this year.
“It’s the least we can do,” said the unfortunately surnamed Wankel. “Between Hamilton and Moana and all his work throughout the community the least we can do is give him all of these little golden statues. He’s just so deserving.”
Wankel has said that they are even creating new categories this year to truly maximize the number of Tony’s that Mr. Miranda can win. Some of these categories include “Best Lin-Manuel Miranda” and “Best Creator of Hip-Hop Based Musicals.”
Despite making no contributions to international peace efforts, the Norwegian Nobel Committee, who determines the winner of the Peace Prize, has indicated that not only will they be awarding Lin-Manuel Miranda the Nobel Peace Prize this year, which is arguably the world’s most prestigious award, but they will be naming the prize after him.
A spokesman for the committee said that “Lin-Manuel Miranda’s very name invokes peace. It just makes sense to name the award after him.”
Potential nominees in other Nobel Prize categories have conceded that they simply can’t match the importance of Miranda. Scientists from the CERN Laboratories in Geneva, Switzerland have conceded that their work will simply never be on par with that of Miranda’s.
Last year’s Nobel Prize in Literature recipient, Bob Dylan, recently released a statement saying he has mailed his award to Miranda.
“The Committee made a mistake last year, and it’s only right that Lin-Manuel Miranda win this year. It’s only fair to make up for this egregious error now,” Dylan said.
Other organizations have expressed their support for this universal move to award Lin-Manuel Miranda.
A spokesperson from Little League Baseball told the AP that “Lin-Manuel Miranda will be awarded the Good Sport of the Year Award,” saying that “even though he’s approaching 40 we feel that he would have embodied everything Little League stands for, so it’ll be a retroactive award.”
There are some sources within the White House who are suggesting that President Trump will be requesting the Vice President’s resignation so that he may name Lin-Manuel Miranda the new VP, and would then immediately resign in order to elevate Miranda to the highest office in the land.
“Mr. Trump really feels that Lin-Manuel Miranda just radiates leadership and the sort of quality values it takes to run this country. He’s acknowledged his myriad shortcomings and believes that someone of Mr. Miranda’s vast talents and charisma could really accomplish great things for this country, bigly.”
Perhaps the most important award for Lin-Manuel Miranda comes from a self-proclaimed hater of the arts and liberals, Mr. Beau White, a construction company owner from Logan, West Virginia.
Though no interview was sought with Mr. White, it did not stop the gentleman from giving the AP his two cents on Lin-Manuel Miranda.
“Now I don’t much care for that theatre crap,” Mr. White said through a thick coal country accent and a lower lip full of chewing tobacco. “I think it’s a giant waste of time, and it can’t keep my attention worth a damn. I don’t know why it’s considered art,” said Beau, throwing finger quotes around the last word. He suggested that the highest form of art exists within Michael Bay’s Transformers film series.
When asked why he didn’t like Lin-Manuel Miranda, Mr. White told this reported to “hold it right there, boy.”
As a banjo inexplicably started playing the “Star Spangled Banner” somewhere in the distance, Beau White, the tough, middle-aged construction company owner choked up.
“I think theatre is a bunch of crap that only liberals care about,” he said, tears welling in his eyes and a lump in his throat.
“But that Lin-Manuel Miranda…hoo boy, that man is a god damned national treasure and don’t you NEVER let no one tell you different, ya hear?”