By Steve Jobs’ Ghost, Former CEO and President of Apple
Guess who’s back? Back again. Steve Jobs is back, tell a friend. (Read that to the tune of Eminem’s “Without Me.”)
That’s right y’all, Steve Jobs is back from the dead to tell you about Apple’s latest revolutionary product.
Remember when I invented the iPod? That thing was pretty sweet, right? You can have hundreds even thousands of songs on it, carry it with you wherever you want, listen to it whenever you want. That’s like, the entire definition of revolutionary.
Though digital is still the primary way people purchase and listen to music, I contacted Apple via a Ouija board to tell them they need to step their game up.
Seriously man, every time I leave Apple they start screwing SOMETHING up and I’ve got to swoop in (literally this time since I’m a ghost) and save the day.
It’s getting pretty old to be honest.
Anyway.
Because of the hipsters of Portland, Oregon, there’s been a huge move back towards vinyl. But where’s Apple at? Why isn’t there an iRecordPlayer?
Because of this lack of foresight into the market, I’ve returned from the Netherworld to help revolutionize Apple Music. Again. *Sigh*
Apple will be releasing this coming Fall the new iTrack, which will replace the iPod and the iPhone 8 will have an iTrack player embedded into it.
That’s right baby, Apple is bringing back the 8-track player. Cue the disco!
Break out the ‘fro picks, pink shaded aviators, the bellbottoms, and the floral shirts, because Apple is revolutionizing music by reviving the 80s.
No one asked for us to do this, but that doesn’t mean the world doesn’t need it.
I got the idea from a guy with a mullet up in Heaven. For the record, Heaven exists and it is BOSS. Jesus is a total bro. Literally wears a backwards snapback at all times and wants to do nothing but play flip cup and pong.
It’s going to be a legitimate 8-track tape player, so the iPhone 8 is going to be the size of a 1980s cell phone. We’re REALLY bringing the 80s back.
Enough about the glory days of the 80s though. Let’s talk about the features of this bad Larry.
It can host two separate 8-tracks at the same time, which Apple will start producing. We plan on purchasing all the music in the world, so score one monopoly for Steve Jobs!
We’ve also teamed up with Sony to develop a adjfgoioijhsiuhrgiuhsdfjgn
Sorry about that, left a window open and got blown away by a gust of wind. Being a ghost is tough, man.
Anyway, we’ve teamed up with Sony to develop a controller function for the iTrack. It functions as a universal remote, and when I say universal, I mean universal.
We kept in mind how annoying it can be to play games like Skyrim or The Witcher and have to sit through tons of dialogue. But, like those RPGs, we’ve added a “skip dialogue” button.
Simply press the X button on your iTrack and you can finally skip all of that pesky dialogue with random coworkers you hate (looking at you Woz).
The iTrack will also make tiny and insignificant improvements on the processing power of its predecessor as well as the camera. Y’know, like Apple always does with their new products.
Check out the iTrack this Fall. It’s gonna be fresh. I gotta get back to Heaven, gotta meet a guy to play chess. Steve Jobs OUT. *mic drop*