By Stanley, Opinions and Editorials Editor
UMass Dartmouth is full of secrets. To some, the secret could be that your exam tomorrow morning is going to be a failure. To others, these secrets are much deeper.
UMass Dartmouth was created in order to serve not students, but demons. Just take a look around campus and you can easily see this is the truth. Concrete, prison-like walls to keep Satan’s spawns trapped, buildings that have random staircases that lead to nothing, and of course, the infamous “666” at our campus quad.
Not only did our campus architect, Paul Rudolph, design our campus, he created many hidden secrets where no one would look. Rudolph has been the subject of many rumors and odd secrets, some spread by haters, and others spread by the old country folk of Dartmouth.
According to some, Rudolph was insane – he would lash out and ridicule his secretaries who assisted him on his projects. One woman, who chooses to remain anonymous, said that in the 1960s, Rudolph dated her mother while he worked on transforming our campus.
Her mother, after dating Rudolph for six months, became drastically different. Apparently, she would sleep walk, attack her daughter for no reason, and would mumble incoherent Latin phrases at night: she was possessed by an evil demonic spirit. To end her suffering, our anonymous hero had to have her mother hospitalized and her mother died there 5 years later. This is the kind of guy who created and designed our campus.
Again, take for example, the campus quad. Before construction occurred, there were multiple instances of the devil’s number – 666. Not only are the three benches shaped in the image of the number 6, the steps that once connected to them also reflect the beast’s deadly number. If you count the steps, there is something truly scary about what Rudolph planted: three flights of steps, each with 6 steps. 6…6…6
The number 6 continues to appear around our campus in other ways. Have you ever counted the number of academic buildings? There are 6 – SENG, LARTS, Textiles, CVPA, DION, and CCB. Have you ever counted how many retail dining locations are in the campus center? You guessed it. Yep, there’s 6 – 2MATO, Corsair Cafe, Wendy’s, Mondo’s, Plate by Plate, 2Mato, and University Club.
Now if that’s not creepy enough, there are more demonic secrets about our campus. Several elite tunnel systems were put into place. Their purpose is unknown. All we know at this time is that these elaborate tunnels are somehow connected to the Satanic Cult of Fall River – they are connected through several hundred miles beneath the surface of UMass Dartmouth. Our team of investigative journalists are still on the move to locate these tunnels. So far, our hypothesis is that these tunnels are the entrance to where highly intelligent Satanic Cult members gather to conjure demons, preform Voodoo, or sacrifice living things.
Why was UMass Dartmouth chosen for this? It’s simple really: Rudolph must have been associated with this cult, and when he was picked to build our campus, he must have thought “they’ll never guess this exists on a college campus… everyone will be too drunk to notice.”
If you have any information on the exact location of these hidden tunnels, I encourage you to locate the nearest Torch investigative reporter as soon as humanly possible.
Every day counts, and the closer we are to finding the truth, the closer we are to delving into every secret of UMass Dartmouth.