Gold discovered in Dell Woods

By The Fresh Prince, Staff Writer

One week ago, UMass Dartmouth maintenance employees and volunteers began clearing trees and cleaning up the area in and around the Dell Woods in preparation for the approaching warm weather. The restoration occurs every spring, but this year, something extraordinary happened.

Two male employees, who will remain unnamed for their protection, discovered a shiny, oddly shaped rock near the edge of Dell Pond during the cleanup. They immediately stopped their work to investigate the ten-ounce pebble. Little did they know, they had hit the jackpot.

“We didn’t know what to do next,” the first man told The Torch. “We didn’t say anything for a few days. It looked like gold, but we weren’t positive, so we decided to bring it to a local gold prospector.”

“The prospector believes that the first chunk of gold we found is worth at least fourteen thousand dollars,” the second man explained. “You could say we were a bit surprised. But from there, we had no idea what to do with it.”

At first, the men wanted to use the money to take extravagant vacations with their families. But since they found it right at UMass Dartmouth, they knew they would feel guilty about keeping the money for themselves. Instead, the employees presented their findings to Chancellor Johnson, in an attempt to give back to the school. The administration then ordered that more of Dell Woods be excavated, in search of more gold.

On Tuesday, employees headed back out into the woods to search for more nuggets of gold. They moved large boulders that had never been moved before, ripped up old trees, and even swam to the bottom of Dell Pond.

It wasn’t long before the student body got word of the prospecting going on around the UMass Dartmouth campus. Hundreds of students have started to explore Dell Woods in search of their own gold.

The Torch has been informed that the maintenance crew has discovered approximately 225 pounds of gold in the woods so far, with an estimated worth of over four million dollars. This total does not include what students have individually discovered and kept for themselves.

The school has several ideas for all of this newly acquired money. First, the administration wants to dedicate most of the money to reducing the cost of tuition for all students. The school is also planning to invest in an on-campus Dunkin’ Donuts franchise to install in the Liberal Arts building. There are also proposals in the works to build a fence that completely encircles the campus, in an attempt to make the campus look even more like a prison than it already does.

Finally, they intend to put funds toward making spring break an actual vacation, and restricting professors from assigning work over the break. Administrators were not available for comment on how, exactly, this could be influenced by money.

The prospecting in Dell Woods is still taking place, and any students are welcome to head down to grab a nugget for themselves. UMass Dartmouth plans to continue prospecting until at least May.

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