Gigantic vermin found under UMass Dartmouth

giant vermin
By Jonathan Moniz, Staff Writer

Beginning with reports of a tunnel under the campus for UMass Dartmouth, members of the student body began to report hearing strange sounds coming from the seedy underbelly of the campus. It was only two weeks later that the first reports of a massive rat came in.

Early reports were of a cheese sandwich missing here, another, some chewed up text books. Black market operatives within the tunnel reported finding their warehouses busted open, and several expensive science books ruined.

They also mentioned that many stores of their special, high-caffeine coffee was found busted open. For about a week, they heard frantic scrabbling and the scurrying of some large creature bustling through their hallways.

“It was almost like seeing a massive rat on caffeine,” said one of the operatives.

Continuing on, several of them described even more mysterious occurrences. They found massive piles of feces that they frequently stepped in, as well as claw marks all over the walls and floors.

It was quickly at that point that the market shut down and all it’s previous vendors moved out, leaving many a poor college student bookless.

Then one day a student, a first-year by the name of Phoebia Day, was found on the floor from an entrance to the tunnel. She looked as if she had seen a ghost, and could not speak for a week. It turns out she had seen the massive rat in person as it was chewing through the side of LARTs, then fainted.

Another reported seeing it tap-dancing on the top of CVPA to jazz music playing from one of the classrooms. At least, that’s what was gathered from the student’s fits of laughter. A horrendous sight, to be sure.

Salad and food from one of the Outtakes carts was found open and untouched, but dozens of sodas and energy drinks were found opened and emptied. Several accidents occurred on campus, people reporting a high speed blur crashing into them before moving on. Seemingly unrelated, the students concluded.

Boxes of cheese went missing from the Wendy’s on campus, including several boxes of mayo, oddly.

“It burst in, as big as a car,” said one of the managers on duty. “It stole the boxes then left, speeding away.”

Many concluded that the cause of the rat and the attraction it felt to the tunnels was most likely the warmth and darkness, as well as the potential sources of food from the left-over market. Students believe it’s lair to be under the campus center itself, the better to be closer to a consistent source of food.

Res cooks have noticed much of their traditional dairy based products disappearing, as well as wheat and potato based products, in addition to sugary desserts left out.

The university has declared the tunnels off limits to all students for their own safety, until the rat moves on.

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