Are very own collage news paper hyring illiterate peoples now

By Schmee Bubbly Sbubbly, Brand New Staff Writer

Hey there reading audiense! So, I always wanted to get a job because mom was like “Get a job Schmee!” and so I was searching a round Dartmouth fore some jobs and I didn’t find any jobs and mom was mad and I was gonna give up but then my buddy from the Ivy Leag school Umass Dartmouth was like, “Dude, you should get an education, or else you aren’t gonna be hired.”

And I was like well shoot, so I aplied to this school to try to get an educated but they said no because I didn’t go to hi school.

And even if I did I couldn’t afford it bcuz all I have in my wallet is a twenty and a gift card to Bannanna Republic my mom gave me when I was 15.

So I was fustrated and went back to my frend and I said “Dude, is there jobs that you know that hire people like me who aren’t spell or talk?” And he said “Not on campus, especially not being a staff writer at the torch, you would need a masterful handle on the English language to work there.”

So I went to the torch newspaper and I asked a lady if I could be work there and she was like well can I see sum of your writing and so I gived her an old homework essay of mine. And she said okay I’ll email you too let you know.

And so she never emailed me back and I went home and was like “Mom I aplied to the torch newspaper and they didn’t hire me bcuz they think I’m dumb.”

My mom got really mad and called torch and she was like I’ll give you a million dollars if you hire my son. Because my mom got rich threw insider trading and she can afford to spend money on me.

So finally the torch was like ok fine we’ll take the milion dollar donashin and your stupid son and I was happy bcuz finally someone noticed my potentail.

So I wrote my first article about how stinky the government is and when everyone read it they frowned becase they also don’t like the government.

I am very proud of what I’ve did and my mom is happy because now she isn’t have to give me money anymore. Because I’m getting paid.

I always new I could be a great writer deep inside my hart. And if there are anybody else out there who also doesn’t have a education, the Torch newspaper will hire you to!
Just go to the torch office of the second floor of the campus center and get your mom to give like a million dollars.

And you too will be like me, a scholar spreading his words to the people of the campus.
I am a genius and soon be a real author. I don’t need a education to be genius.

Take that, dad! You said I wouldn’t be anything.

Come home daddy I miss you.


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