Staff Writer: Maya Arruda Email: marruda7@umassd.edu
*This article is written as a parody for the Torture.
At the last meeting of the Republic Galactic Senate, Chancellor Sheev Palpatine declared a reformatting of the Republic in order to provide greater galactic stability for not just the men, but the women and children, too, following the attempted Jedi rebellion and the end of the Clone Wars. Before the speech, he was attacked by the Jedi during their rebellion, resulting in the Chancellor issuing Order 66. The attempt on his life left him scarred and deformed, but his resolve has never been stronger.
Full footage of the speech and the events leading up to it can be found here, though all dialogue had to be reconstructed in Imperial Basic from Republic Basic via protocol droids in accordance with Imperial Memorandum 1.75-2.
Before he became chancellor, Sheev “The Senate” Palpatine used to be the senator from Naboo under the tenure of Chancellor Valorum during the reign of Queen Amidala. He was known for watching the careers of young force sensitive children named Anakin with great interest. After the blockade of Naboo by the Trade Federation, Queen Amidala administered a vote of no confidence towards Chancellor Valium on the recommendation of Senator Palpatine because of the Galactic Republic’s poor response to the blockade that resulted in the suffering and death of countless people. Some conspiracy theorists allege that Palpatine instigated this blockade in order to usurp the position of chancellor, but they ceased spreading this alternate theory after being visited by Clone Wars history buff and avid-Palpatine supporter Darth Vader, who mysteriously popped up out of nowhere following the execution of Order 66.
Afterwards, Shiv Palatine ran for the position of chancellor, citing his expert handling of the blockade and his embrace of a larger view of the force, not just the narrow dogmatic view of the Jedi, with the slogan of “do it.” Since his successful election to chancellor, this self-acclaimed lover of democracy led the Republic through the Clone Wars against the Coalition of Independent Systems (CIS) a.k.a the Seperatists and had the foresight to authorize the manufacturing and usage of Jango Fett clone troopers during the first battle of Geonosis, which signalled the beginning of the war, and obtained great amounts of emergency powers in the process in order to quickly end the war before greater casualties could amount. During the attack on Coruscant, the Chancellor was kidnapped by the villainous Count Dooku and General Grievous, but luckily he was rescued by Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi and Not a Jedi Master Anakin Skywalker who both specialized in Sith Lords and flew half of the CIS ship onto Coruscant’s surface in their successful rescue attempt. The late Count Dooku felt things were getting out of hand during this complicated last ditch effort for Seperatist victory as now there were two of them, compared to past encounters with usually only one Jedi present. As for Grievous, he did not end up gaining any new additions to his collection before his inevitable death on Utapau.
During the senate meeting to legitimize the end of the Clone Wars following the execution of CIS leaders and the subsequent deactivation of the droid armies, Palpatine made his majestic proclamation of the creation of the Galactic Empire, receiving thunderous applause from the gathered senators. Emperor Palpatine quickly appointed his second in command, Darth Vader, following this political reform. Darth Vader intends to bring peace, freedom, justice, and security to his new empire, and vows to hunt down the remaining Jedi who escaped Order 66. According to Imperial Memorandum 1.00, these Jedi include Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jedi Grandmaster Yoda, and possibly Jedi Master Shaak Ti; it is unclear what happened to Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker, the hero with no fear and notorious hater of sand, but it is assumed he died at the end of the war after being forced to take a seat by Jedi Master Microsoft Windu. Other than the last Jedi and CIS remnants, there is no known opposition to the Galactic Empire, ensuring that there will definitely not be civil war without end. “Rest assured,” said Mas Almedda, assistant to the Emperor, “there will be no threats to the Empire. Certainly not in the form of some ‘rebel alliance’ of any kind.”
As for those who vocally protest Palpatine’s ascension to emperor, they are proof that the ability to speak does not make you intelligent and have stumbled upon the fastest way to achieve death by Sith Lord since the days of the Old Republic and the Mandalorian wars. Condolences to the families.