(Image via bu.edu)

Staff Writer: Connor Sullivan

Email: csullivan14@umassd.edu

Junior-year history major Logan Bradley has found himself unable to join in the Corsair spirit the way he used to. Once, he participated in all the campus events, attended plenty of home games, and had a real soft spot for the school’s loveable mascot, Arnie. However, his thoughts changed after a few weeks in Professor Brian Clinton’s “History of Piracy” class. 

What seemed like a fun chance to dive into the world of these beloved swashbuckling adventurers turned into a bleak view of the conditions they worked under and the true nature of their work. Each lecture unveiled new unfortunate truths about the poverty that drove men to piracy, the diseased conditions they endured on board the ships, and the brutality they unleashed on their victims. 

“I just thought it’d be fun, and we’d get to learn about Black Beard, but it was just a lot of murder and slavery,” said Logan. 

He wasn’t kidding, as the course went into great detail on the savage treatment of both captives and disobedient crewmates. Those who weren’t lucky enough to just be sold into slavery were either murdered, tortured, or tortured for a while before being murdered. 

The course also covered certain key figures in piracy who were notorious for their level of cruelty, such as Edward Low, who once captured a ship, cut the lips off the captain’s face, and then forced him to eat them before murdering the rest of his crew. They also covered François l’Olonnais’ sacking of Maracaibo, where his crew tortured hundreds of the town’s residents through dismemberment and burning. 

Thankfully, not every class was about mutilation. One of them was wholly dedicated to the many diseases that plagued the unwashed shipholds, including malaria, typhus, yellow fever, and, of course, scurvy. 

“Do you know how bad scurvy actually is?” said Logan, “You get black blood and puss oozing from every orifice on the face. I really wish Professor Clinton didn’t include all those diagrams.”  

After learning all of this, the presence of Arnie at all the school’s events became harder to stomach. 

“All I can think is ‘why?’ What made Arine turn to the life of a corsair? Did he flinch at hacking off limbs? At seeing his crewmates turned inside out with disease? Was it out of necessity or desire?” asks Logan. 

Logan described being unable to stand the sight of him taking photos with unsuspecting students and their families, only being able to see a man who would throw someone overboard if the rest of the crew demanded it. 

After learning all Arine must have seen and done, Logan could only sit there paralyzed with the knowledge of what might be hiding behind those fabric eyes. Looking at that motionless, smiling face, he wondered: Has Arnie killed? Has Arnie butchered? 

Unfortunately for Logan, he has yet to find a higher educational institution that offers a more reassuring mascot. 

“Under no circumstance would I trust Sam the Minuteman,” said Logan, “And I don’t even want to think about what that thing from UMass Boston gets up to.” 

Looks like Logan will be staying on the Corsair’s ship for the foreseeable future.

*This article was written as a parody for the Torchure.