Staff Writer: Julian Cassady Email: jcassady@umassd.edu *This article is written as a parody for the Torchure. Kentucky Fried Chicken has just announced a special promotion available in select locations, dubbed “Chicken Grab,” which will be available starting on April 1st, 2022. There will be a buffet-style table with various portions of its famously seasoned fried chicken available to customers in the seating area. KFC has … Continue reading Chicken Grab
Staff Writer: Sam TravisEmail: stravis1@umassd.edu During a time when hardly any students are on campus, it is not surprising to learn that there is never much excitement happening on UMD grounds. However, that all changed this week when a UMD senior broke into the campus store in the middle of the night, stealing up to $50,000 dollars of textbooks and campus merchandise. When campus workers … Continue reading UMD Senior Breaks Into Campus Store (Torchure)
Staff Writer: Sam TravisEmail: stravis1@umassd.edu 2020 gave millions plenty of time to think and create new things for the world. One of them is none other than Piffleditch, which seems to be the hottest new sport of the century. Many people may be asking: what in the world is piffleditch? How is it played? Is the game as fun as it sounds? The answer is … Continue reading Piffleditch: The Hottest New Sport (Torchure)
Izzy Rivera Staff Writer irivera1@umassd.edu We all have definitely heard the expression “If you love “x”, why don’t you marry it?!” when people get fussy and I’m going to have a fantastic time adding to the band wagon. I am cracking my knuckles, stretching out, and I’m gonna let you have it. Ready? If you love the gym so much, why don’t you marry it? … Continue reading If You Love ___ so Much, Why Don’t You Marry it?! (The Torchure)
J Engels Staff Writer jengels@umassd.edu There’s some celebrities I hear about and I wonder, what’s the big deal? Why is everyone so obsessed with this average looking goon? More often than not, to me, celebrity worship feels like a pointless waste of life. But there’s one celebrity I’ll make an exception for, one man whose reputation truly lives up to the hype: golden haired, cherub … Continue reading Timothy Treadwell is a mentally ill icon <3 (The Torchure)
Izzy Rivera Staff Writer irivera1@umassd.edu Dove was sick and tired of sitting on her perch in Bianca’s shower, getting used every day without any ounce of love or affection being given in return. She was dented on one side of her bar, being dropped right on top of the drain, and she was appalled by the state she was in. She yearned to escape, be … Continue reading The Dove and the Axe (The Torchure)
J Engels Staff Writer jengels@umassd.edu I’m convinced the term “MILF” was invented to specifically describe Vera Farmiga’s depiction of Norma Bates in Bates Motel. The same actress who brought to life such an independent, unconventionally feminine character as Lorraine Warren in the Conjuring movies, Farmiga is infectiously likeable. Every minute she’s on screen I find myself unable to get enough of her warm and caring … Continue reading Marry me Norma bates (The Torchure)
