(Photographed by Staff Writer Kiyan Weiss)
Staff Writer: Kiyan Weiss
Email: kweiss@umassd.edu
Here at UMassD, we’ve got a lot of clubs, but boy is it hard to decide between ’em’. That’s why we here at the Bell Tower COLLECTIVE want you!
Join the cult CLUB of the Bell Tower!
You’ll want to spend all your time by the Bell Tower. Every waking moment at the Bell Tower. The Bell Tower!
Our club offers you an excellent opportunity to get involved in your local UMass community, with many great activities! Some of these wonderful events hosted by our club include guest speakers on the origins of the Bell Tower, fun gatherings around and about the Bell Tower, and of course, feeding the Belltower.
While our normal meeting times do extend pretty deep into the wonderful Dartmouth nights, we have many different gathering times to ensure that all will have a chance to partake in their CLUB SANCTIONED ACTIVITIES. We offer remedial meetings especially for commuters because here at the CLUB, we value all students and don’t discriminate in any way.
Our DEI officers are always hard at work ensuring that all students are not only equally represented but equitably so as well. As a new member, you won’t have access to all of our premises, but the path towards improving your standing is very clear: Provide sustenance to the Bell Tower, and you will be rewarded!
Keep an eye out for sacrifices POTENTIAL NEW MEMBERS, and you’ll rise through the ranks quickly.
One important thing to keep in mind, should you be at all considering membership at our wonderful CLUB, is our strict uniform policy—not that it’s ever a problem because once you earn your official membership red robes, you’ll never want to remove them.
While the uniforms can sometimes be cumbersome, you won’t have to do much running in them. Running wouldn’t be fast enough anyways, so why not walk? In fact, you can get anywhere with enough walking. Plenty of walking.
Another great reason to join is for the lifelong connections you’ll make in the CLUB! While you won’t be learning any many names, you’ll still be making plenty of friends at each and every gathering!
The CLUB is open to all majors, so don’t be worried about being the odd one out! There’s nothing odd about wanting to join a club. Those lifelong connections will help support you in other Bell Tower shaped aspects of life!
Those who have been in our CLUB for all four years of their time at Dartmouth not only report much higher success in their careers compared to non-members but also report a sense of satisfaction and superiority compared to the commoners. Isn’t that swell?
While feeding the Bell Tower can be one of our more stressful tasks for new members, everyone gets the hang of it eventually. Pretty soon, you’ll always want to lend a hand when the Bell Tower beckons!
The Bell Tower’s wonderful songs that reverberate the paths we walk on, its beautiful facades and tall spines… Within no time at all, you’ll want to be as close as you can to the Bell Tower.
So, if you find yourself staring up at its winding structure that seems to always bend and follow you as you walk to your classes, give us a call. We here at the CLUB are always looking for some fresh blood!
(This article is written as a parody for Torchure.)