(Image via gamerant.com)
Business Manager: Brendan Flaherty
Email: bflaherty1@umassd.edu
Helldivers! The time has come for you to join the cause and fight back against the tyranny of the malicious squids and the tyrannical bots and the titular terminids.
For too long have we been squashed under the oppressive weight that is the enemy. For too long have we stayed complacent in this war effort. For too long have we, the Helldivers and the glorious people of Super Earth, suffered.
That suffering ends now. It’s time to join the Helldivers!
Fight for Super Earth and its democratic ways, as all people should live freely and with a choice. Fight for the planets that have been unjustly taken by the enemies that have no justice and feel no compassion. Fight for freedom, justice and security for our great democratic way!
You have seen the reports and the videotapes of all the atrocities made against our people. The latest rounds of attacks have caused innumerable casualties against our people and our valiant troops.
As I am reporting this to you, the squids have launched yet another wave of attacks in a hit and run scheme. High Command has sent out another Major order, ordering the Helldivers to suppress the attacks as much as possible.
With the Automaton attacks that have been increasingly painful to defend against and the terminid colonies hiding within the Gloom, we have reached a pivotal point in this war.
Not to mention, the largest threat to Super Earth’s freedom and to Super Earth itself, the Meridia Singularity.
A Black hole that was created in a last ditch effort to stop the spreading of the terminid trouble. Although it did work at the moment, the evil Illuminate have used this singularity to their own evil motives. They have since been able to find a way to move the hole towards the other Super Earth planet, subsequently causing their destruction.
Since they have started moving the singularity, it has caused the destruction of two beloved Super Earth planets, Angel’s Venture and Moradesh.
Let us have a moment of silence and a proud Super Earth Salue for those two planets.
Moving swiftly on, the Illuminate have been slowed in their efforts as of now with the deployment of the Penrose Energy Siphon with the collection of the E-710 element to power the device.
More efforts are being made by both the valiant Helldivers and by our courageous scientists to ensure that the Black Hole does not reach Super Earth.
But this is where you come in.
You, citizen of Super Earth! You are the key to changing the tides of this war. See, the war effort would not be going as smoothly with the efforts of the Helldivers. People like you who have chosen to help fight in this effort and provide managed democracy to planets that are without it.
According to our statistics, the Helldiver average population is around 50,000 active divers (depending on the time of day). And while their efforts are appreciated and welcomed, this is not enough.
We are going to need everyone’s help in this effort if we are to ensure that our way of life is protected. Yes, admittedly we have lost 3.3 billion Helldivers to the cause, but this is irrelevant.
What’s really important is that we have protected the citizens and our way of life against three different fronts.
Know that your contribution will not be forgotten even if you are completely decimated in this war (which you won’t be because Helldivers never actually die). Your life, just like every other citizen’s life, is extremely valuable and appreciated.
So, the time has come. What will you choose to do: Sit back and watch as the unthinking enemy tears into our homes and livelihoods? Or will you choose to be better?
Will you choose to fight against the bugs? Or the bots? Or the squids? The choice is yours. You command your squad through the treacherous times and towards a better future.
Sign up now. Join… The Helldivers.
Sincerely,
– Super Earth Command
(This article is written as a parody for Torchure.)