Staff Writer: Kiyan Weiss

Email: kweiss@umassd.edu

This is a parody based on a real scenario.

On an unassuming Colorado day in an unassuming coffee shop in an even more unassuming corner table bears witness to a devious plan.

This plan, were it to be executed in its entirety, would not only prey upon the good nature of one certain pet store’s employees but also the exorbitant price gouging of the luxury puppy market (I mean, seriously, eight THOUSAND for two puppies?).

As the last member of this group of evil doers shuffles in, the devilish plan begins to unfurl. 

It’s not every day you see such a clearly down-on-their-luck, life-not-going straight group of fellows. Clothes raggedy, screen protectors left cracked, tan-lined memories of former jewelry, pawned for this month’s rent. .

And yet behind those deep sunken, tired eyes, is a glimmer. A belief that maybe this could be the last job. For this was never any ordinary group—the nature of its composition was a crew of master thieves, called together for one final heist. 

“We stealin’ some puppies?” 

“Not just any puppies, wise guy. These bad boys are the Mona Lisa in canine form.”

“So then why don’t we actually put ourselves to the test and rob the Louvre? Show the world that there’s still some real elite thieves out there!”

“Too obvious.”

Some befuddled grunts quickly shift to begrudging nods, as the price of the puppies is whispered across the wobbly table.

The blueprints of a familiar pet store unfurl. 50-foot-high walls spiked and turreted. A moat, twice deep as wide, with a raging current rapidly spinning.

This was no mere pet store.

This was the Fort Knox of puppy penitentiaries.

And yet, the plan was looked over. It was re-read, but there was no revision. The plan was perfect. A trojan puppy plan the likes of which would never be topped not by any syndicate and not by any solo cat burglar, for it would need more than catnip and some well-placed toys to accomplish this feat.  

The first layer of the plan began with a simple set of disguises. Those who were thieves by night, moved in the day as if they were mere elders looking for some final companionship. As they entered the compound, the IDs were checked.  

“Wait. You were born June 31st, 1956?” 

“Why yes, I was, it was ahh… Blue moon! Rare weather pattern led to a day being added to that month. No leap year of course.”

Guards didn’t buy it. The three of us will move on while they hopefully stay focused on the distraction. All according to the plan…

Once entered into the facility, the three that remained sought out the most well-guarded section of the whole complex, always under strict watch, the little old lady’s room.

Emerging from that miniscule stall were three trained thieves in their prowl. They quickly closed the distance towards the puppy holding cells, yet their fleet footedness caught the attention of some of the watchful security staff.

“Boss? Uhm… It looks three guys just came out of the lady’s room? And now they’re uhm… kinda running towards the puppy area? Should we call anyone for that?”

“ZZZzzzz… WHUZZAT? !?  Oh. It’s just some customers… leave em alone…”

“Uhm… alright…”

The thieves approach the final obstacle: a long orderly queue.

Given a solid half-hour wait, the thieves emerge at the end of the line. They ask to hold the puppies, inspect them perhaps. The guard managing the exhibit eyes them up and down. Then eyes them down and up. Then shrugs, and unlocks the enclosure, allowing the thieves access to the pristine puppers.

After all, the guard doesn’t get paid enough to deal with all this. They just took the job because it paid well while they pursue their real dreams of being a grandfather clock salesperson.

As they hand over the puppies to the strange trio before them, one of them begins shaking intensely as if possessed by some corrupted spirit of a Preslyan nature.

What began as a surprise quickly turned into pure confusion, as the guard’s attention was completely captured by the strange display. The guard’s continued confusion prepared the perfect cover for the other two bandits to make their mad dash straight out of the facility. 

They dashed past the cameras and then the little lady’s room and then past the continuing ID hassle right at the front door and finally reach the drawbridge connecting the facility back to the rest of the world. But alas, the draw bridge begun its drawback, and the thieves seemed stranded. 

“Listen, you gotta trust me. I’ll jump for it, and you gotta give me a shove as I’m leapin’. I’ll take the puppies and throw ya the rope”

“You better throw it to me!”

With pups placed precariously in each paw, the final robber made his sprint, and with the final heave from his befouled friend, he barely cleared the moat.

“Alright, now toss the line!”

“There never was a line, pal. This was always a one-man job.”

Aghast, his once-compatriot stood tall as he was tackled by what security force wasn’t bogged down by ID troubles or strange seizures.

A new sun dawns on two small puppies, each worth more than their weight in gold.