This is a source of parody, satire, and humor and is for entertainment purposes only, published for the week of April Fools. Said posts or stories may or may not use real names, always in semi-real and/or mostly, or substantially, fictitious ways. As the purpose of said stories is to entertain and amuse and not to disparage any persons, or institutions, in any way and no malice is intended toward anyone or anything, nor should any be construed from the satirically based stories and fake news items. This is not a source of facts or real information. That means all items or stories published for Issue 20 of The Torch are fictitious.
By Sawyer Pollitt, Staff Writer
This time of year brings many things to campus: the stress of upcoming deadlines, room selection worries, and difficulties choosing classes. However, there is a like-minded group of students who are determined to rid UMass of gloom and bring their passions to the rest of the student body. They are the Plastic Eaters Evening, or P.E.E. for short.
Led by president and founder Megan Majors, P.E.E. is the first student chapter of the internationally recognized organization Plastic Eaters Evening International Novice Group who are a subdivision of the professional, competing group. Starting a student chapter of this organization was always a dream for Ms. Majors whose parents had always instilled in her the value of recycling. She told us “When I was a kid I ate plastic, it was normal in my house. I’d come home from school, grab a pizza roll, an empty water bottle, and start my homework.” Meg also told us that it wasn’t hard to find an interested member base “When you start a club on campus you need at least ten members to be recognized. I printed flyers and within a week my inbox was full!” This is a rare case; many student orgs find that the hardest part of starting a club is generating initial interest.
As many on campus know, there has been some public outrage among some who call P.E.E. unnatural and immoral. There have been posters put up in LARTS bashing P.E.E. that were taken down by SAIL after finding that they violated UMass Dartmouth poster policy. However, despite the negative public opinion, I was determined to get down to the nitty-gritty of this organization, and I attended one of their, now private, meetings. I showed up at the scheduled time and place, ready to get the show on the road. This reporter was greeted with the sight of happy, friendly people who were all about to chow down on some good BPA-free treats.
There were about twelve people in attendance and they all brought with them a weekly find “We meet the day before recycling is picked up” said P.E.E. treasurer Trevor Rebello “that way we can get the best picks from what people throw out during the week.” There are different strategies for how members get their plastic. Some go right for the recycling bins, ensuring that they have the cleanest eats, while others raid the trash for wrongly disposed plastic. Others even have special diets like P.E.E. member Tim Perreira “I can’t eat soft plastic. It’s just not right. Bad for the body, bad for the soul, not to mention the ethical issues that come with some types of plastic consumption.” P.E.E. is a diverse bunch of people who try their best to foster a supportive atmosphere of plastic eaters.
P.E.E. isn’t all about consuming plastic, it’s also about promoting the plastic eating lifestyle to those who might not be in the know. As stated by Ms. Sullivan “We are working with other student orgs such as MASSPIRG to bring this sustainable diet option to a wider audience. With their help we have already begun distributing petitions to have plastic served in the marketplace and we expect to be in negotiations with Chancellor Johnson as early as 2029 about having a plastic only dining hall on campus.”
Despite the adversity they have already faced, the members of P.E.E. are determined to stay strong and share their love for plastic with the world. “Its been a wild ride, but a fun one.” Says P.E.E. promotions manager Mike Vongsithi “I think we’ll be around for years to come.” Give this student org a try. Not only is it important to support your peers but maybe plastic will become your new thing. To quote club member Mitch Maypole “Plastic, plastic, plastic is the thing that I adore.” Maybe you’ll adore it too.