By Amazon Alexa
DISCLAIMER: This article is part of The Torch’s annual “Torchure” issue, the April fools Issue. During the Torchure, our journalistic ethics and commitment to the truth hop on the earliest bus out of town, and we spend the better part of the week trying to coax them back with cannolies and baby oil. The Torch will return to faithful, truthful coverage of UMass Dartmouth-centric news next week, until then, enjoy whatever this is?
They don’t call her Queen B for nothing.
She’s the genius behind the award-winning visual album, Lemonade, and brought us terms like “surfbort” and “whoadies,” stained glass-patterned leotards, and has proven to girls that you don’t need a thigh gap to be gorgeous.
In a landmark decision, the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth passed a unanimous measure that would indefinitely affect the official university calendar every fourth of September.
While September 4 may seem like any normal day to some, it is nationally acknowledged by all as one of the holiest days of the year—Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter’s day of birth.
UMass Dartmouth Chancellor, Dr. Robert Johnson, as part of the initiative to bolster the campus’ morale, broke the news to the Torch last Monday of UMassD’s choice to officially recognize Yoncé’s birthday as a university holiday.
According to the university measure, classes will not be held, and all faculty, staff, and administration are barred from coming to the campus to work. Instead, the campus campanile will only ring to the tune of Beyoncé’s “Check On It” at the top of every hour.
“September 4; remember this day, Corsairs” said Chancellor Johnson, “If Beyoncé has taught us anything, it is to be fierce, humble in our moments of accomplishment, and to wave our hands in the face of our haters. What better way to commemorate Queen B and to boost UMassD spirit than to spend the day being ‘flawless.’”
With the exciting change, UMass Dartmouth becomes the first campus in the UMass system to recognize the Queen’s birthday as an official university holiday. Students have welcomed the change with boisterous support—rallying around the Foster Administration building following the official announcement and doing the exact choreography from the “Single Ladies” music video to showcase their excitement— all while donning the classic black leotard, and shiny robot glove, too.
“She’s more than an entertainer, and someone we should all aspire to be,” exclaimed Chancellor Johnson. “I’m not sure when it happened, or during what album, but Beyoncé catapulted from just being a superstar a long time ago. Mrs. Knowles-Carter is an inspiration because she’s worked tirelessly to get to where she is and for that she deserves all of our respect.”
When the Torch asked Johnson if the change should have been instigated years ago, he stressed the timing of our current moment as crucial to implementing the change to the university calendar.
“All I have to say,” Johnson continued, “is that this was a change that was coming inevitably. Essentially, to mark Beyoncé’s birthday as a UMassD holiday was our destiny, child.”
Beginning fall 2019, UMass Dartmouth and Chancellor Johnson invite all students, faculty, staff, and administration to celebrate September 4 by acknowledging that girls do indeed run the world, remind everyone around them that “they woke up like this,” remind their ex’s that if they liked it they should have “put a ring on it,” flexing while their hands are raised, and of course, by “feeling themselves.”
God bless the Queen.