By what we’re all thinking, but don’t have the cojones to say out loud.
DISCLAIMER: This article is part of The Torch’s annual “Torchure” issue, the April fools Issue. During the Torchure, our journalistic ethics and commitment to the truth hop on the earliest bus out of town, and we spend the better part of the week trying to coax them back with cannolies and baby oil. The Torch will return to faithful, truthful coverage of UMass Dartmouth-centric news next week, until then, enjoy whatever this is?
We here at the UMass Dartmouth Torch really applaud you for taking the first step and picking up this week’s paper. Really doing your part to sustain print media aren’t you?
Now for the hard part. Read some articles, turn the page, read some more, navigate the fold, read again. Be careful, you might cut yourself. You might think too hard.
Sorry.
Please keep reading.
The fact that you found a copy of the paper really speaks to your dedication.
The Torch staff, in an effort to save students the trouble, has begun recycling all incoming editions of the paper immediately upon their arrival on campus.
So, the fact that you crawled into the dumpster behind the Campus Center loading dock and fought a seagull for the grease stained remains of this paper is something to applaud.
Aside from this, nothing has changed! See?
All of your favorite sections are still here: Op-Ed, A&E, the recipe, Sports. Every section is holding it down this week.
Providing the quality content that engages our massive readership.
Starting off the paper this week, the Op-Ed section has some luke-warm takes on room-temperature topics. Will anyone take a stance on an issue? Keep reading and find out how elegantly they dance around it.
A&E really is something special this week. We are presenting our 100th Elon Musk article! What sets it apart from the previous 99? It might be the title, it might be the photo, but it won’t be the content.
We also have an album review, where someone who thinks they know something about music rewrites an article they found online.
We’re trying to get them to think for themselves but until then, enjoy the same underground release that every other music journalist is covering in an attempt to seem hip.
Sports is, as always “the best two pages of the paper.” Good news, no one was forced to write for Sports this week, the writers did that to themselves.
News is Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum.
Sorry you had to see that, we didn’t think you would still be here. This isn’t about us, its about you.
Dear Reader. Thank you for getting this far, but you still have an entire newspaper in front of you.
Hopefully, this teaser got you excited for what’s to come. However, if you don’t keep reading, we understand. We really do.
But before you go, just flick through the pages. Walk by our office while holding it. It doesn’t even have to be open, just hold it like you care.
Leave it open on a table in LARTS, let us stare longingly and make up a story about how a graduate student was admiring our writing, or how a freshman saw a cool new campus event they can go to.
Oh, you’re leaving? No, a trashcan is fine