By an entirely underqualified Southwest Airlines pilot.

DISCLAIMER: This article is part of The Torch’s annual “Torchure” issue, the April fools Issue. During the Torchure, our journalistic ethics and commitment to the truth hop on the earliest bus out of town, and we spend the better part of the week trying to coax them back with cannolies and baby oil. The Torch will return to faithful, truthful coverage of UMass Dartmouth-centric news next week, until then, enjoy whatever this is?

Earlier this week, the board of directors declared that UMass Dartmouth is now an all-inclusive space for any and all forms of pets.

Long gone are the days when only the occasional service dog, emotional support cat, or goldfish were allowed on campus.

That’s right! You can now bring your emotional support whale and stick it in the pool! Or you can bring your service lion with you into class! The possibilities are now endless! And that is good.

Everyone knows the importance of feeling included and comfortable in a stressful environment.

And studies have shown that students feel much more comfortable when they’re surrounded by their favorite animals.

But the question remains, where are we going to put all of our favorite pets?

The dorms can only comfortably fit something around the size of a llama or mountain lion, and if you’re lucky maybe an anaconda. Where would we put our friendly crocodiles, and snugly rhinoceroses? Well, there’s even more good news!

The board of directors have now decided that the area being constructed in what was once lots 7 and 8 will no longer be turned into new freshman dorms or residence halls.
Nope, instead this space will be turned into pens, stalls, and mini-habitats for all of our fine feathered, scaled, slimy, and fury friends. Which is honestly a drastically huge improvement to our campus environment.

It will be divided of course based on the natural habitats of the animals so they feel right at home. There will be an area dedicated to marine life for dolphins, sharks, poisonous jellyfish, and yes… there will be space for an emotional support whale.

Exciting right? There’s going to be enclosures for lions, tigers, and bears (oh my!), as well as elephants, rhino’s, hippos, literally anything you can think of, there will be space for them.

The only thing that you will be responsible for when it comes to the care for your special pets will be feeding and cleaning up after them. But there will be financial aid for getting the right food for your animal friends, and various sizes of shovels and pooper scoopers to best suit your needs.

Now of course normal pets like dogs, cats, and goldfish will still be allowed on campus, but it’s safe to say that you’re more likely to see someone riding a zebra to class than walking their dog around campus.

Because UMass Dartmouth will now be an all-inclusive campus for every variety of pets, we expect to see students here take full advantage of this new opportunity. And why shouldn’t we? No other campus will have as rich of a diversity of people and pets as UMass Dartmouth.

I know I’m personally excited to be bringing to campus my school of emotional support piranhas, as well as my service sloth and otter.

The Torch can’t wait to see the Assistant Director of the SAIL office, Wayne Williams’ pet King Cobra. Let’s not forget The Torch’s Editor-in-Chief Chelsea Cabral’s tarantula will finally be accepted in a public setting. So get ready, and be sure to watch where you step!