Out with Dell security, in with medieval measures

By the few bad apples who ruined it for all of us.

DISCLAIMER: This article is part of The Torch’s annual “Torchure” issue, the April fools Issue. During the Torchure, our journalistic ethics and commitment to the truth hop on the earliest bus out of town, and we spend the better part of the week trying to coax them back with cannolies and baby oil. The Torch will return to faithful, truthful coverage of UMass Dartmouth-centric news next week, until then, enjoy whatever this is?

Something wildly unexpected happened at UMass Dartmouth last week; the faculty listened to the students. After endless debates back and forth, the campus finally decided to relent on a crucial subject. The top-notch security detail working at the Cedar Dells are officially disbanded.

You may remember the security for some of their larger busts they’ve achieved this past semester. Here is an extensive list of all their helpful interventions they’ve done for the Dells:

However, the new hires for security have raised many eyebrows. Instead of the normal security measures, a call was made out to all the majors; the major with the most compelling plan would delegate the new safety measures at the Dells. While there were many viable options and some… underdogs, (looking at you, Philosophy) the winning group was none other than the History department. Now, I know what you’re thinking, theoretical reader… what could possibly go wrong?

The History Department did not fully release the schematics for the changes, but they released a few hints of what to expect:

Instead of mediating problems through resident assistants, all issues between roommates will be solved by either combat or joust. The campus is establishing a BYOJ policy, which of course stands for Bring-Your-Own-Joust.

Instead of being written up, infractions will be dealt with by either a day of hard labor or a night in the stocks. Birch has been contacted to supply rotten produce for throwing at the stocks. For the more serious infractions, the History department proposed Trials of Ordeal. While traditionally murderous trials have not been approved, milder ones have been conceded. One of these, the Trial of Paper, will be incurred when students need to replace the key to their Dell. They must eat a stack of paper no thicker than their thumb to show penance. If the key is not lost, but locked inside the Dell, the amount of paper is halved.

Instead of delivery options to the Dells, food will be solely gathered by hunting and cultivating the land. Within the next few years (working with conservation groups on campus), new wildlife will be introduced to the woods on campus, including; pheasants, foxes, deer, boar, bear, and a pack of ravenous wolves. This is both good for the ecosystem and for legitimizing the hunting process, complete with mortal risk.

While many of these are intense, they are very blasé compared to other ideas that surfaced during the brainstorming sessions. Moats are currently being argued over, but there is concern that the shuttle will be over the weight capacity for the drawbridge. Murder holes, which is normally an opening between levels designed for assaulting invaders in the keep, are currently being contemplated for installation within the Dells.

Actual warfare will be strictly prohibited. These murder holes, which will be renamed “happy gifting holes,” will be utilized for sharing goods between levels of housing. These glorious holes, among other changes, are still in their beginning stages. However, it looks promising.

The changes planning on happening to the Dells are both terrifying and titillating, but it promises to be unique. Chancellor Johnson is already writing a speech for the opening-day ceremony, celebrating our unique sense of style here at UMass D. While some of these changes may seem extreme, they all can be explained to how their benefit the student populace as a whole… except for the trebuchet being built. The history department said that’s specifically being built to conquer people who snicker at them behind their backs.

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