Chancellor Johnson recognizes Beyoncé’s birthday as official university holiday

By Amazon Alexa DISCLAIMER: This article is part of The Torch’s annual “Torchure” issue, the April fools Issue. During the Torchure, our journalistic ethics and commitment to the truth hop on the earliest bus out of town, and we spend the better part of the week trying to coax them back with cannolies and baby oil. The Torch will return to faithful, truthful coverage of … Continue reading Chancellor Johnson recognizes Beyoncé’s birthday as official university holiday

Oh, you’re reading the Torch? How noble…

By what we’re all thinking, but don’t have the cojones to say out loud. DISCLAIMER: This article is part of The Torch’s annual “Torchure” issue, the April fools Issue. During the Torchure, our journalistic ethics and commitment to the truth hop on the earliest bus out of town, and we spend the better part of the week trying to coax them back with cannolies and … Continue reading Oh, you’re reading the Torch? How noble…

Animal Lovers Rejoice!

By an entirely underqualified Southwest Airlines pilot. DISCLAIMER: This article is part of The Torch’s annual “Torchure” issue, the April fools Issue. During the Torchure, our journalistic ethics and commitment to the truth hop on the earliest bus out of town, and we spend the better part of the week trying to coax them back with cannolies and baby oil. The Torch will return to … Continue reading Animal Lovers Rejoice!

Out with Dell security, in with medieval measures

By the few bad apples who ruined it for all of us. DISCLAIMER: This article is part of The Torch’s annual “Torchure” issue, the April fools Issue. During the Torchure, our journalistic ethics and commitment to the truth hop on the earliest bus out of town, and we spend the better part of the week trying to coax them back with cannolies and baby oil. … Continue reading Out with Dell security, in with medieval measures

Wait, the students did what?!?

By ??? DISCLAIMER: This article is part of The Torch’s annual “Torchure” issue, the April fools Issue. During the Torchure, our journalistic ethics and commitment to the truth hop on the earliest bus out of town, and we spend the better part of the week trying to coax them back with cannolies and baby oil. The Torch will return to faithful, truthful coverage of UMass … Continue reading Wait, the students did what?!?

The Titanic wouldn’t have sunk if global warming was REAL

By Jack Dawson. DISCLAIMER: This article is part of The Torch’s annual “Torchure” issue, the April fools Issue. During the Torchure, our journalistic ethics and commitment to the truth hop on the earliest bus out of town, and we spend the better part of the week trying to coax them back with cannolies and baby oil. The Torch will return to faithful, truthful coverage of … Continue reading The Titanic wouldn’t have sunk if global warming was REAL

I’ve been waiting for the shuttle for two years.

By Two Chainz. DISCLAIMER: This article is part of The Torch’s annual “Torchure” issue, the April fools Issue. During the Torchure, our journalistic ethics and commitment to the truth hop on the earliest bus out of town, and we spend the better part of the week trying to coax them back with cannolies and baby oil. The Torch will return to faithful, truthful coverage of … Continue reading I’ve been waiting for the shuttle for two years.

UMass Dartmouth to deputize geese: goose law and you

By Staff Writer BLE-DLE-DEE DEE DEE DEE DISCLAIMER: This article is part of The Torch’s annual “Torchure” issue, the April fools Issue. During the Torchure, our journalistic ethics and commitment to the truth hop on the earliest bus out of town, and we spend the better part of the week trying to coax them back with cannolies and baby oil. The Torch will return to … Continue reading UMass Dartmouth to deputize geese: goose law and you

I LOVE YOU, CHANCELLOR JOHNSON

By Staff Writer (well wouldn’t you like to know?) DISCLAIMER: This article is part of The Torch’s annual “Torchure” issue, the April fools Issue. During the Torchure, our journalistic ethics and commitment to the truth hop on the earliest bus out of town, and we spend the better part of the week trying to coax them back with cannolies and baby oil. The Torch will … Continue reading I LOVE YOU, CHANCELLOR JOHNSON

I just CANNOT get enough of that turkey bacon

By an incel named Zack. DISCLAIMER: This article is part of The Torch’s annual “Torchure” issue, the April fools Issue. During the Torchure, our journalistic ethics and commitment to the truth hop on the earliest bus out of town, and we spend the better part of the week trying to coax them back with cannolies and baby oil. The Torch will return to faithful, truthful … Continue reading I just CANNOT get enough of that turkey bacon