I LOVE YOU, CHANCELLOR JOHNSON

By Staff Writer (well wouldn’t you like to know?)

DISCLAIMER: This article is part of The Torch’s annual “Torchure” issue, the April fools Issue. During the Torchure, our journalistic ethics and commitment to the truth hop on the earliest bus out of town, and we spend the better part of the week trying to coax them back with cannolies and baby oil. The Torch will return to faithful, truthful coverage of UMass Dartmouth-centric news next week, until then, enjoy one of our writer’s musings about our Chancellor. It should also be noted that while most of the other stories this week are jokes and falsehoods, this one isn’t, and the writer genuinely has an enormous crush on Chancellor Johnson. To be fair, he is a pretty handsome guy. Anyway, enjoy.

Have you laid eyes on Dr. Robert E. Johnson? Do you notice the sparkle in his warm brown eyes? How about his charming smile in display of character and demeanor? Chancellor Johnson is the most handsome chancellor at the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth by far. He was president of Becker College in Worcester, Massachusetts. He spent seven years leading the evolution of institutions. His dedication to higher education, ensures an excellent educational opportunity that will transform individuals into models for colleges and universities across the United States.

Dr. Johnson is a catch. He supports the youth and believes higher education “must foster in students an “Agile Mind” to develop divergent thinking skills, social and emotional intelligence, empathy and entrepreneurial outlook [which] are the hallmark of future success.” Did I forget to mention, he has a way with words, it is so smoothly eloquent and very attractive.

His career reaches across the span of 30 plus years of multi-sector non profit higher education leadership experience. Chancellor Johnson holds a doctorate in higher education administration from Touro University International. Also, has a Master’s degree in education administration from the University of Cincinnati. I can’t forget he also holds a Bachelor’s degree in economics from Morehouse College.

His autograph values approximately six figures on eBay. He has more credentials than Trump. This is why I believe he should run in the presidential election of 2020. He is married to Michelle Jones-Johnson. They have two children, Jasmine and Alex. I believe Michelle Johnson would make a fabulous first lady. I mean her name is Michelle, I think Michelle is a nice name for a first lady anyway.

He would create innovative changes to the entire country, and let’s just face the facts that he is just so much more handsome! His suits are super eye catchy but subtle, at the same time. My favorite is his navy blue-ish suit. Blue is such a nice color on him.

I love how he coordinates his ties, the red one is my favorite. Chancellor Johnson makes me happy, I love his persona his charisma and charming style. His smile makes my heart flutter with butterflies of joy. He is the best Chancellor UMD has had in a while and he makes me want to get a whole different Bachelor’s degree so I can spend more time with him.

How could you not want to be his friend? He elevates the institutional stature by improving and adjusting competitive market position. He is recognized nationally for enrollment growth and resource development success. He stimulates transformational conversations with industry, government and academe that is focused on growth and regional economic opportunity.

I want to be friends with the Chancellor, he is truly an inspiration. He is well educated, adaptive and extremely entrepreneurial. If I were to meet you one day, I would be the luckiest student in the whole country. No exaggeration!

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