By Staff Writer BLE-DLE-DEE DEE DEE DEE
DISCLAIMER: This article is part of The Torch’s annual “Torchure” issue, the April fools Issue. During the Torchure, our journalistic ethics and commitment to the truth hop on the earliest bus out of town, and we spend the better part of the week trying to coax them back with cannolies and baby oil. The Torch will return to faithful, truthful coverage of UMass Dartmouth-centric news next week, until then, enjoy whatever this is?
The Geese on the UMass Dartmouth campus are often seen as freeloaders. Despite vocal outrage from the community, they are able to retain the same field every year, pull in as many Geese as they want, and are never required to pay a housing deposit.
In an effort to save money and quell student frustrations, UMass Dartmouth housing and DPS have been working together to bring the popular Goose Law initiative to the University. Beginning next month, the Goose Law initiative, which has already proven successful at other schools in the UMass system, will be instated on campus.
The formerly human-led police force and parking enforcement will be gradually phased out in favor of a Goose-centric approach. Patrols will be limited to that one patch of grass that’s right past the fountain when you’re walking from Woodlands to the main campus quad. Despite the small scope of patrols, projections show that parking violations will be reduced by 100% in that area following the change.
Because of this, some observant members of the UMass Dartmouth community may notice new faces among the crowds of Geese that roam the fields. These are transfer Geese from UMass Amherst, where the Goose Law program has been in effect for several months. They are not to be looked at. The Department of Public Safety hopes that by introducing new, experienced officers, the rate of false detentions and unnecessary injury will be reduced, though certainly not eliminated.
But how will all of us students be affected by Goose Law? This is where the problem lies. The name of the initiative, Goose Law, comes from the fact that Geese do not subscribe to human law. All attempts at teaching human law to Geese has proven to only result in utter failure and abject chaos. This begs the question, why are we, as tuition paying students, forced to adapt to a new and confusing set of laws?
Simple, it is the only option. The Geese have been here for years. They keep coming back, and in greater numbers. How long will it take before we are overwhelmed? Months? Years? By giving them purpose, they are given a reason to keep us around. They don’t need us, but if we make them think we need them, they’ll take care of us. Protect us. We all know what happened to UMass Lowell.
The newly deputized Geese will be sporting Goose-sized police hats, badges with unique identification numbers, and carbon fiber batons duct taped to their wings. This presents ample opportunity for our textiles majors to get some real world experience in fashioning new unique uniforms!
However, with all new changes there will of course be naysayers and negativity. One strong opponent on campus is the Goose Fight Club. This student org has been quelling the Goose population through trials by combat ever since their founding.
The Torch sat down with GFC vice-president and Junior physics/history major Kate Egan to talk about this issue. “I feel it is a direct aggression to the students. It’s a classic scare tactic to keep us in line and off the fields” said Kate. However she did have some good to say “…Geese are the perfect fighting machines…on top of that they’re cheap…”. Further pointing to their ability to keep us safe and save us money.
When even staunch detractors have something nice to say, you can be sure that Goose Law is going to be a good thing for our campus. Even the SAIL office is getting involved with a waterfowl themed movie night at 11:32PM in the main auditorium, hosted by Vice-chancellor Shannon Finning. Turn-out is sure to be huge!
Anyone who still has concerns regarding Goose Law or feels that UMass Dartmouth is no place for Geese is welcome to attend a seminar hosted by the new Chief of campus police, Goose. They ask that attendees do not bring cell phones, alert friends to their whereabouts, or have any weapons on their person. This seminar will be held wherever one sees a Goose, but remember you are not to look at them.
Living free is living Goose Law!