By Two Chainz.
DISCLAIMER: This article is part of The Torch’s annual “Torchure” issue, the April fools Issue. During the Torchure, our journalistic ethics and commitment to the truth hop on the earliest bus out of town, and we spend the better part of the week trying to coax them back with cannolies and baby oil. The Torch will return to faithful, truthful coverage of UMass Dartmouth-centric news next week, until then, enjoy whatever this is?
“Take the shuttle bus!” they said, “it’ll be fun” they said. Ever heard of feet, ya know, the two body parts attached to our legs? Don’t be lazy, you’re a fast walker, there’s no doubt that you’ll get to class on time, I thought. “Try new things, live the full college experience!” I caved in “Fine, Okay, I’ll do it, but just this once”.
I remember, a long time ago, when I was only a freshman, gee it seems as if it were yesterday…I had said to myself that I wouldn’t cave into peer pressure. It’s funny sometimes, the things we tell ourselves, and then complete the exact opposite. I remember thinking, “what’s the worst thing that could happen, the bus gets a flat tire? Okay, no big deal, just walk. I’m late to my class? Okay, well in that case, I learn from my mistakes”. It’s humorous to me, to be so paranoid of being a few minutes late to class. Why you ask? Oh, well, if you were actually paying attention, maybe you’d have noticed day #1 jumping to day #730. You didn’t actually think that you’ve been reading this paper for two years, did you? No, of course you didn’t, how could someone be so gullible?
2 hours later:
Me. The answer is me. I can be so gullible. I still feel like a freshman, but the time and year on my watch states that I’m actually a Junior. I’ve been standing here under this blue bus stop through the warmest, rainiest, sunniest, windiest, and coldest of days. Someone logical would think “Why didn’t she walk to class when she realized after an hour went by, that the shuttle wasn’t coming in time”? Don’t worry, that crossed my mind as well. What I can’t figure out is, why would someone logical, someone so trustworthy, recommend something so…not? Well, on the bright side, I do have an answer for you.
I have spent 730 days thinking of it. The only downfall is, I realized I was wrong when a faculty member, who looked oddly familiar, a pirate hat sitting comfortably on his head, and an almost cotton looking beard falling from his chin, walked over to me. He just stood there, grinning at me blankly. I started to get slightly creeped out when he hadn’t blinked in nearly 10 minutes.
He looked so familiar, I just couldn’t comprehend at the moment. After about 30 minutes of silently waiting for the bus, the man, who I believe went by “Arnie”, propped both hands under his chin and began to lift. I stood there with my mouth propped wide open as my feet lie perfectly aligned with Arnie’s head. Before I could do anything about the situation, the soft, cotton hand patted me on the shoulder,and in a faint voice, the man from inside what seemed to now be a costume said “The bus hasn’t been running for two years”.
10 minutes later:
After accepting the fact that I wasted two years of my life waiting for a campus shuttle bus, I decided to walk back to what used to be my freshman dorm room. On my walk back, I noticed a group of students walking over to the bus stop. As soon as they reached it, the bus swiftly drove up to them, opened the doors, and they were gone. I blinked in disbelief. Frustrated, I started running over to one of the green bikes parked up against a tree trunk. I spent 15 minutes trying to pedal the bike but it wouldn’t budge. A student walked past me chuckling. “Those cost money” they began to say. Before I could roll my eyes, they continued “Your best bet is the shuttle bus, it’s free!”