By Jack Dawson.
DISCLAIMER: This article is part of The Torch’s annual “Torchure” issue, the April fools Issue. During the Torchure, our journalistic ethics and commitment to the truth hop on the earliest bus out of town, and we spend the better part of the week trying to coax them back with cannolies and baby oil. The Torch will return to faithful, truthful coverage of UMass Dartmouth-centric news next week, until then, enjoy whatever this is?
The Titanic movie is fake news. I never let go. She did. I’m alive. I can tell you this with confidence because I was there: there is no possible way that the Titanic would have sunk if global warming was real. Global warming is a myth. I am probably the only one who can explain why.
The day was April 14th of 1912. That was the day it happened. I can see it vividly. The unsinkable. The G.O.A.T. boat. The sea tank. We were all having a wonderful time while it was floating along, going strong, in the middle of the Atlantic. Nothing could stop it… or so we thought.
BOOM… and there it happened. The moment that has gone down in history and has been overlooked by scientists discussing global warming. We hit an iceberg.
And by hit, I mean we slightly grazed it and it put a hole in the G.O.A.T. boat. Think about that… that should tell you how strong the iceberg was due to the absence of global warming.
How has nobody looked at the facts and discovered this by now?
It completely blows my mind how scientists have just overlooked even this one clear-cut piece of evidence from an event loaded with evidence that global warming is not real.
Want more proof? Here. As the ship was sinking and the captain was drowning, may he rest in peace, I heard him yell his final words in the distance:
“Why aren’t you real global warming!? If you were real this never would have happened. Mama always told me you were real! That is why I didn’t expect the iceberg to be there! If global warming was real there would be no ice.
Everybody knows that. Everybody would have had a safe voyage if the iceberg wasn’t there.
Why mother!? Why isn’t global warming real?! Why did you lie to me mama? Did you also lie about Santa? DOES THE TOOTH FAIRY NOT EXIST? WHAT IS REAL?”
And then he died.
The captain didn’t die in vain. He helped us prove that global warming is a myth by giving us indisputable evidence against global warming, but nobody is looking in the right place for facts. This is the right place for facts. Look here. Help my captain spread his message across the world.
Everybody knows how the titanic sank. They made a whole movie about it, which I starred in, although it got a few things wrong about me. So how come nobody is connecting the dots?
Iceberg and global warming? There can only be one. Iceberg means no warm, and global warming means warm. We all know that the sea tank went down because it grazed an iceberg.
If that’s not enough evidence for you picky, indecisive people: remember in the movie when I supposedly died because the water was too cold and there was not enough room on the plank (which there totally was enough room in the movie, but not in real life)?
Well that was switched around. I was on the plank and the water was still cold. That means that Rose DeWitt Bukater still died because of this lack of global warming. I’m over her, but I’m not over the fact that people still believe in global warming.
The water was cold enough to kill Rose. Did you see that? I said cold. Cold is not warm. This is ANOTHER very clear and indisputable piece of evidence that everybody seems to not care about analyzing.
This has become unbelievably jaw-dropping to me as more and more people start believing in this myth that is global warming. I have been on this planet for many more years than seems possible which means I must be leaving this planet soon.
So, I hope those of you that have made it this far take the time and spread the word. Spread my message. Global warming is a myth because an iceberg sank the titanic. How can global warming be real if the iceberg is real?