Izzy Rivera

Staff Writer

irivera1@umassd.edu

We all have definitely heard the expression “If you love “x”, why don’t you marry it?!” when people get fussy and I’m going to have a fantastic time adding to the band wagon. I am cracking my knuckles, stretching out, and I’m gonna let you have it. Ready? If you love the gym so much, why don’t you marry it? If you love your kombucha so much, why don’t you marry it? If you love your video games oh so much, why don’t you marry them? If you love your bed sheets at 8 am when you have an English class to be at but they are so incredibly warm, why don’t you marry them and have your wedding be an excused absence? If you love Taco Bell at 2 am with your crunchy gordita why don’t you marry them? Infinite tacos for life, I’m just saying man. If you love that clicking sound of a pen that you fidget with in math class so much, why don’t you marry it? You see, all of these are not insults, oh no, they are the solutions to your problems my friends.

I’m simply trying to provide happy and exciting resolutions to your troubles. You miss the way that pizza tasted Friday night because you loved it so much? Marry the cook, taadaa, problem solved. If you love Subway pickles as much as I do, just marry the owner of Subway, infinite pickles for life. You miss how the cold breeze moves across your face during the winter because you love it so much? Marry a Canadian, move up to Canada, problem solved. You love that amazing Ps5 or Xbox Series X? Marry the company owners, hustle, work your way to the top, you know what to do here. You need games for those consoles now? Haha have no fear, you could stay and get games from them or just maybe marry the owner of Gamestop with all their new found rise in stocks. See how simple and yet distinctive these solutions are? In no time you could have a face full of pizza with a gaming console controller in your other hand, games a p living the life, just gotta marry into these places and BAM all of your issues will melt away.  Am I fueling into your addictions? Oh certainly, but hey, if you love it so much, you should marry it, am I right? Need glasses for the rest of your life and love your eyesight? Hey, marry the owner of LensCrafters, you’ll be wearing Gucci frames in no time. If you love crystals so much, marry someone who’s Wiccan, I promise it’ll be an interesting journey.  

Life is all about living it to the fullest, working hard to make your wildest dreams come true, so don’t give up, keep pushing forward. If you love it enough, marry it, commit to it, and take it for the wild ride to the end. 

First image location: https://memegenerator.net/instance/68775850/pee-wee-if-you-love-your-birthday-so-much-then-why-dont-you-marry-it

Second image location: https://me.me/i/if-you-love-avocado-so-much-why-dont-you-marry-20058478

(This article was created for The Torchure Week 2021, this article is purely a work of satire as it is the April Fools edition)