UMass Dartmouth to deputize geese: goose law and you

By Staff Writer BLE-DLE-DEE DEE DEE DEE DISCLAIMER: This article is part of The Torch’s annual “Torchure” issue, the April fools Issue. During the Torchure, our journalistic ethics and commitment to the truth hop on the earliest bus out of town, and we spend the better part of the week trying to coax them back with cannolies and baby oil. The Torch will return to … Continue reading UMass Dartmouth to deputize geese: goose law and you

I LOVE YOU, CHANCELLOR JOHNSON

By Staff Writer (well wouldn’t you like to know?) DISCLAIMER: This article is part of The Torch’s annual “Torchure” issue, the April fools Issue. During the Torchure, our journalistic ethics and commitment to the truth hop on the earliest bus out of town, and we spend the better part of the week trying to coax them back with cannolies and baby oil. The Torch will … Continue reading I LOVE YOU, CHANCELLOR JOHNSON

I just CANNOT get enough of that turkey bacon

By an incel named Zack. DISCLAIMER: This article is part of The Torch’s annual “Torchure” issue, the April fools Issue. During the Torchure, our journalistic ethics and commitment to the truth hop on the earliest bus out of town, and we spend the better part of the week trying to coax them back with cannolies and baby oil. The Torch will return to faithful, truthful … Continue reading I just CANNOT get enough of that turkey bacon

Move Over Ariana Grande: Leon Trotsky is America’s new sweetheart

By James Demetrius Abagantamos Maximus Mellen III. DISCLAIMER: This article is part of The Torch’s annual “Torchure” issue, the April fools Issue. During the Torchure, our journalistic ethics and commitment to the truth hop on the earliest bus out of town, and we spend the better part of the week trying to coax them back with cannolies and baby oil. The Torch will return to … Continue reading Move Over Ariana Grande: Leon Trotsky is America’s new sweetheart

The mystery of the mural: Explained

By The Ageless One. DISCLAIMER: This article is part of The Torch’s annual “Torchure” issue, the April fools Issue. During the Torchure, our journalistic ethics and commitment to the truth hop on the earliest bus out of town, and we spend the better part of the week trying to coax them back with cannolies and baby oil. The Torch will return to faithful, truthful coverage … Continue reading The mystery of the mural: Explained

The Totally Legitimate Plot of Avengers End Game

By W. W. Wilson. Avengers Infinity War left y’all cry-babies in shock when it ended. Thanos won, the Avengers lost, and hey, a lot of people turned to dust. But don’t worry your pretty little heads because I’m going to share with you everything that’s totally going to happen in Avengers End Game. You’re welcome. So it’s going to start off with everyone being like, … Continue reading The Totally Legitimate Plot of Avengers End Game

Do not buy the new album: The Strange Case

By Staff Writer Ben Pfeffer. DISCLAIMER: This article is part of The Torch’s annual “Torchure” issue, the April fools Issue. During the Torchure, our journalistic ethics and commitment to the truth hop on the earliest bus out of town, and we spend the better part of the week trying to coax them back with cannolies and baby oil. The Torch will return to faithful, truthful … Continue reading Do not buy the new album: The Strange Case