By James “The Felon” Mellen.
DISCLAIMER: This article is part of The Torch’s annual “Torchure” issue, the April fools Issue. During the Torchure, our journalistic ethics and commitment to the truth hop on the earliest bus out of town, and we spend the better part of the week trying to coax them back with cannolies and baby oil. The Torch will return to faithful, truthful coverage of UMass Dartmouth-centric news next week, until then, enjoy whatever this is?
In a shocking turn of events, Rob Gronkowski has given up the football playing-party life to “work with the saints.” Yes, you read that correctly, he’s going to become “Father Gronkowski”.
When asked about the event, Gronk’s former head coach, Bill Belichick stated “He’s doing what’s best for him, but we will miss him.” You could feel the love and respect between the two reverberate around the room.
In the past week, the former New England Patriots tight end announced his retirement from football, which wasn’t too surprising to most fans since he’s been contemplating it for a little while now. However, what did come as a surprise was Gronkowski’s ensuing announcement which informed the masses that he’d be pursuing a life as a priest.
In an interview with Jimmy Fallon, Gronk informed him that he’d be going into the ministry in late August and is currently getting ready for the transition. He then made a joke, which wasn’t that funny, but in typical Fallon fashion, he geeked about it for way too long.
Jimmy…it’s never that funny.
The following day, Gronk was a guest on Pardon the Interruption and explained to the hosts that he was meeting with the saints to get acquainted with the team. It’s no shock that Gronk would be taking his new life very seriously, he’s always been a hard worker, but it does seem a bit weird that he referred to saints as his “team”.
It also seems like the sports fan of New Orleans are in trouble as their beloved quarterback, Drew Brees tweeted “Can’t wait to have Gronk join the team!#87#9”. You know what this means…yup, Brees was so inspired by Gronk that he came forward about currently being in the ministry. It’s truly inspirational.
Gronk’s former quarterback, Tom Brady, also took to twitter to weigh in on the week’s events. Brady tweets “It’s sad to see Gronk go, but I’m excited to be playing against him when the season starts up again.”
I don’t think he’s fully grasped the concept yet, Gronk is done with football and he’s onto a new career. What else could “Joining the Saints mean
????????????”