By W. W. Wilson.
Avengers Infinity War left y’all cry-babies in shock when it ended. Thanos won, the Avengers lost, and hey, a lot of people turned to dust. But don’t worry your pretty little heads because I’m going to share with you everything that’s totally going to happen in Avengers End Game. You’re welcome.
So it’s going to start off with everyone being like, “Oh no he didn’t just do that.” And Thanos is going to be all like… “haha Should have aimed for the head.” And that’s going to be what consists of the first 15 minutes. For real, that’s all that’s going to happen.
And then for 15 minutes you’re all going to have to watch Thanos as he awkwardly stares at the camera without blinking. Almost like the movies frozen, but it’s not because Thanos will be breathing heavily because he got an axe to the chest from everyone’s favorite space god, Thor.
It’s then going to flash over to Tony Stark and Nebula who are stuck on Titan. They get into a really beat up spaceship which is barely functioning, and Tony is still clutching to Peter’s ashes. Aaaawe…. So sad. Somehow by the miracle of needing to move the plot forward, the two get the ship started and head back towards earth. Tony is all emo, and Nebula is all like “quit being a baby.” And Tony’s all like “no.”
And that goes on for a while until they get sucked into the gravitational field of Galactus, Oh yea…. That big cosmic guy with the really over the top helmet that makes all the other baddies jealous, he’s showing up. Somehow he’s like, “Your ship is broken, and now that half of all life in the universe is gone, I don’t have enough planets to feed on and junk.” And Tony and Nebula are like “Word big space dude.” So Galactus grabs their ship and yeets it across the universe and that’s how they end up back on Earth.
With all of the Avengers almost assembled, the last two that need to show up are Hawkeye and Ant-Man. So everyone’s at the Avengers base, and Captain America is all like, “How can we beat Thanos?” And Thor is grouchy because he didn’t aim for the head, but he’s also sort of happy because he totally has a crush on Captain Marvel.
Anyways, Hawkeye just shows up and he’s like: “I’ve just got some arrows, but I’m with you guys till the end.” Natasha calls him out for not being with them when Thanos originally shows up, and he can’t come up with a good excuse.
Then, the most important Avenger just pops out of basically thin air, our boy, Ant-Man back from the Quantum Realm. He’s all like “guys what’s going on?” And everyone tells him about Thanos, and he gets really mad and says, “Guys, I know how to beat him.” Everyone looks at him all confused because none of them could beat him at all, even with the help of the Avengers who got dusted.
So our Ant-Man with a plan says “My boy Hawkeye will do that arrow trick with me riding on the tip of the arrow again, and he’s going to shoot Thanos in his big purple derriere and I’m going to get all up in his Thanus and expand.” And that’s what they do.
And then they win, Thanos has his Thanus destroyed, Hulk puts on the Infinity Gauntlet because he’s the only one with big enough hands to fit in it, snaps his fingers and brings everyone back. And because of the Fox/Disney merger, Deadpool shows up as the special cameo at the end being like “AWE F@#K! I missed the whole thing! That’s it! Roll the credits so we can see the two after credit scenes.”