By Dylan Botelho, Staff Writer
Can 2017 just end already? Donald Trump is our president, global warming is devastating our planet, and the worst of all… the cheese on the new hamburger emoji is in the wrong spot! This year literally couldn’t get any worse.
Google’s version of the cheeseburger puts the cheese beneath the patty, just an absolute absurd way to organize a cheeseburger. I mean, just imagine how soggy your bread would be, the cheese always has to melt on the patty.
There was no way an actual human being, no, multiple human beings, looked at this emoji and said “Yup, publish that one. I see nothing wrong with it.”
Seriously Google? Seriously? What, do they have literal robots working for them who have never seen a cheeseburger be assembled?
How do you expect me to go on with my life when I know that every single time someone in the world scrolls past the food section on their emoji keyboard, they have to look at that disgusting hamburger emoji with cheese beneath the patty?! The travesty! What kind of monster does that to people??
It’s bad enough they’re using a Google phone to begin with but now this!? Don’t they know how important emoji’s are to the world? You can’t be messing stuff up like that.
I even put the word “cheeseburger” into Google Images and hunted for a photo with the cheese below the patty and unfortunately, I found one. It was McDonald’s trademark Big Mac. I know, you’re shocked. You’re thinking, “How could McDonald’s do such a thing?”
Well listen, it’s McDonald’s Australia. Is it so surprising that the people who celebrate Christmas in the summer don’t know how to properly put cheese on a burger? (bet you didn’t know that did you?)
Those insane Aussies are too busy fending off human-sized spiders, fighting kangaroos, or slipping a shrimp on the barbie to be concerned about burger etiquette.
Enough about the Australians and back to the real issue: emoji’s. Luckily, Google’s CEO, Sundar Pichai, understands the importance in providing a resolution after this cataclysmic event. Pichai tweeted out that he would “drop everything” to fix the blasphemous cheeseburger.
Yes, Google, maybe the most powerful company in the world, is stopping everything to fix an emoji. There have been thousands of words already written on the topic from websites and newspapers all over the world.
USA Today, The Huffington Post, CNN, Yahoo, and ABC News have all already reported on the world-changing story.
No reporting may have been better than everyone’s source for totally 100 percent true and always factual news, Fox.
Fox News’s morning show covered the cheeseburger emoji scandal on the day federal charges were brought up on Donald Trump’s former campaign manager Paul Manafort.
That my friends, is what our world has come to. The horrendous The Emoji Movie didn’t do enough to turn people away from our unnecessary over-use of them.
We now have news stations like Fox covering cheeseburger emoji’s instead of political scandals that involve the President’s campaign. Fox News is of course President Trump’s go-to place for news and is about the only source that isn’t “fake news.” So is it really shocking that controversy concerning the election and his campaign overshadowed by news of an incorrect cheeseburger emoji? Now of course, Fox did report on the story later in the day but it still doesn’t make for a good visual.
In reality, we shouldn’t be talking about this emoji scandal at all, because it’s not a scandal. There’s about 600 words here already, and about 550 of them have all been sarcastic. Why? Because this isn’t important, and if you’re really stressing about Google’s cheeseburger emoji (which you’re probably not because like two people own Google phones) then you seriously need to do this thing called be an adult.
I could understand if Apple was screwing this up to be like “Man, what the heck,” but Google phones guys? Really? Do we really have nothing better to talk about?
Is it so hard to get our attention now that a cheeseburger emoji will even get air-time on a news broadcast?