This is a source of parody, satire, and humor and is for entertainment purposes only, published for the week of April Fools. Said posts or stories may or may not use real names, always in semi-real and/or mostly, or substantially, fictitious ways. As the purpose of said stories is to entertain and amuse and not to disparage any persons, or institutions, in any way and no malice is intended toward anyone or anything, nor should any be construed from the satirically based stories and fake news items.  This is not a source of facts or real information. That means all items or stories published for Issue 20 of The Torch are fictitious. 

By Kevin Perrington-Turner, Contributing Writer

Want to Become a World Class Athlete Like John Daly? It Takes Guts.  Ever had dreams of becoming an athlete who performs in front of thousands of people as they marvel at your greatness? Well luckily it’s pretty easy to do so for the game of golfing. For legendary golfer John Daly, his diet is an extremely important aspect of what keeps him at the top of his game. Can be seen at your nearest golf tournament smoking a bogey and chugging down a beer as he awaits for his time to swing. Not before he finished his conversation on his phone while the game is at play. We hear all of these stories on how athletes maintain a healthy diet in order to perform at the best of their capabilities. Different sports have different techniques, but for the most part itconsists of watch carbs, running, lifting, and a number of other rituals. But for the 1991 PGA Champion, he has a different method that leads to victory. In 2008 Daly’s swing coach quit, saying that “the most important thing in (Daly’s) life isgetting drunk.” Which doesn’t seem too far fetched as there are pictures all over the internet ofhim drinking alcohol on the course. Other shots of him holding some sort of container that contains a beverage full of only our imaginations can guess. There is even an alcohol beverage named after the golfer to appreciate his commitment to a healthy lifestyle that accommodates his craft. The “John Daly” mixed drink that consists of lemonade, iced tea, and vodka. This drink allows the any athlete to perform at a high level. When it comes to a non alcoholic beverage, most athletes would decide to drink water or some sort of sports drink to replenish. In fact, John Daly tells a reporter in an interview that he hates water. Going as far to say “I never drink water on tour.”

His friends would call him “the camel” on tour because he would never drink water. Instead back in his prime he would energize himself with 12 to 20 diet cokes a day. Claiming that McDonald’s has the best fountain drinks and would appear their on average two times a day.  What else might this diet consist of? 2 and a half packs of cigarettes a day. When asked ifhe intends to stop any time soon he responds, “No, not really.” As far as food goes, John Daly redefines the saying of“breakfast for champs.” When he won the British open, John Daly would down MNM’s and tons of candy in one sitting. Weighing inat a lite 225 pounds. He would be a frequent fast food goer. He would eat McDonalds, Taco Bell, and Burger King just to name a few when he was on tour. He would go to McDonalds’s three to four times a day. Specifically, he would have “two big macs, two or three cheese burgers, and a chocolate shake in a sitting.”   There isno doubt that in order to become a professional athlete once must follow the same steps as John Daly. Having won multiple tournaments and a drink named after him does not require a strict diet. By following the same steps as John Daly, you too can become a pro.


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