This is a source of parody, satire, and humor and is for entertainment purposes only, published for the week of April Fools. Said posts or stories may or may not use real names, always in semi-real and/or mostly, or substantially, fictitious ways. As the purpose of said stories is to entertain and amuse and not to disparage any persons, or institutions, in any way and no malice is intended toward anyone or anything, nor should any be construed from the satirically based stories and fake news items. This is not a source of facts or real information. That means all items or stories published for Issue 20 of The Torch are fictitious.
By Zack Downing, Staff Writer
As we all know, UMass Dartmouth has become famous for its brutalist aesthetics and gray concrete architecture. Paul Rudolph’s unique geometric buildings have a distinct appearance that gives the school a trademark, for better or for worse.
While some might be fans of the designs, most students would call the campus hideous and cold. One of the biggest critics of the school’s layout is the chancellor himself, Robert Johnson.
Last week, Johnson sent an email to the entire school detailing his long-anticipated “master plan” to renovate the campus. It was widely speculated that the plan would include drastic changes like rebuilding the Dells, redesigning Res, and more that would shake up the school’s atmosphere.
However, no one expected the plan he actually sent out. The email read as follows:
“MASTER PLAN FOR 2018-2021: Remove all buildings. Start from scratch. Different.”
Students and faculty alike were alarmed at the vague and aggressive plan he had laid out.
There was only one way to get more information about the email, and that was to ask the man himself. The Torch Newspaper, the HLN of UMass Dartmouth, sat down with Chancellor Johnson to discuss his “master plan.”
“Yeah, have you SEEN this place!?” said Johnson incredulously, “Of course I want to start over. The buildings look like Soviet LEGOS and the grass is covered in goose poop. And why are the Dells so far away from everything else? If the main campus is a swollen, pregnant belly, the Dells are the placenta.”
“And it’s not even just the architecture, it’s the kids that go here. They spend more money on Burnett’s vodka than meal plans. They leave clothes in the dryer overnight. They play Fortnite Mobile. I wish we could start the student population over too, honestly.”
“So, what will you change when you rebuild the school?”, asked the disembodied voice of The Torch.
Johnson leaned back in his chair, looked to his right, then leaned forward.
“Okay, listen,” he said in a hushed voice. “The only reason I became chancellor of this place is because it was cheaper than buying the land. I’m crushing this place to the ground, I’m firing all the staff, I’m personally transferring all the students to RISD, and I’m building a gigantic Long John Silver’s.”
“I’m a huge Long John Silver’s investor, one of their biggest, and in a meeting the CEO was talking about how they needed a Long John Silver’s mecha, the Mall of America of seafood eateries. I knew I could get this place, I became Chancellor, and now that I have about five hundred acres of land, big things are going to happen. Two years from now, this is going to be a Silver’s the size of Gillette Stadium.”
“The only thing we’re keeping is the campanile, which we’re uprooting and putting on top of the restaurant. Then, we’re making an enormous swordfish and sticking it on top of the antenna, as a monolithic, aquatic beacon.”
“So you’re not, like, telling anyone this, right? This is just for Journalism 260?”
The news spread like wildfire after The Torch spread the news and forced students to give quotes.
“I don’t know, I like food more than I like college, so overall this is a net gain,” said Kyle O’Houlihan, Birch resident.
Ashley Janikowski wondered, “So, are we still going to have to sign people in after seven? I eat pretty late.”
“Wait, since when does UMD have a newspaper?” said this one kid.
“I think it was extremely corrupt of Chancellor Johnson to do this,” said local stick-in-the-mud Molly Mildieu, “he clearly had an agenda, and it’s costing thousands of people their educations and salaries.”
“Get me on the phone with Amherst immediately,” said Red Lobster CEO Kim Lopdrup.
Well, it looks like big changes are coming to the UMass Dartmouth campus. Do you think Chancellor Johnson is doing the right thing? Let The Torch know on their website, free-ray-banz.biz/dsjx, and you could be our 1000th visitor and win an Amazon Gift Card!!!!!!!!!!!