This week in SGA: A revolution begins

This is a source of parody, satire, and humor and is for entertainment purposes only, published for the week of April Fools. Said posts or stories may or may not use real names, always in semi-real and/or mostly, or substantially, fictitious ways. As the purpose of said stories is to entertain and amuse and not to disparage any persons, or institutions, in any way and no malice is intended toward anyone or anything, nor should any be construed from the satirically based stories and fake news items.  This is not a source of facts or real information. That means all items or stories published for Issue 20 of The Torch are fictitious.

By Sebastian Moronta, SGA Correspondent

Animus ran high in the halls of the SGA this week, sparked by a highly contentious student funded program up for debate. After a lofty donation to the SFP account by the graduate student senate, the SGA were working with a comfortable budget of $320,500. Three SFP’s came under consideration.

The first two passed rather quickly, making use of a little-known clause in Robert’s Rules that allows a senator to call for a vote before the SFP is even read aloud. The third, however, saw incredible resistance from the fiscally conservative wing of the senate. It was a request by the animation club to fund a limited availability trip to Glendale, CA to visit DreamWorks Animation studios.

It provided for up to 10 students to live and work with animators at DreamWorks for one week while they design their newest film, Flushed Away 2: Full Clog. The request totaled $210,000, and representatives of the club justified the amount by citing rising costs of inspiration in young artists. A few senators mounted a prideful filibuster but were overruled by a senate majority who thought the money was for the students anyway, and that they should “go big or go home.”

The SGA also swore in a new senator, elected on a technicality as all the other candidates were all absent due to unrelated cases of stomach flu. The Torch sat down with this ambitious self-starter, who has kept his true identity hidden from all but administration, waiting for the right moment he calls the “grand unveiling.” He wore a mask during the election, introducing himself as “Big Daddy.”

Big Daddy has a radical agenda in store for the SGA, and he’s already begun whipping votes. “There’s a real lack of consensus in the body…everybody has an opinion of their own, it’s really destructive to productivity. By consolidating power, I’ll be able to make decisions for everyone much faster and keep meetings down to a brisk 15 minutes.”

He plans to strike all current and future SFPs from consideration, and divert all remaining funds to the construction of an Auntie Anne’s Pretzel Stand in the library. According to Big Daddy, cinnamon promotes focus, and he sees the move as crucial to increasing productivity in the long term.

Some of the other senators are worried about Big Daddy’s arrival into the senate. Long-time senator and part-time Danny Phantom impersonator Silavong Phimmasone fears it means an end to human civilization as we know it: “I didn’t say any of that, and you framing the question that way makes me think you’re going to deliberately misquote me when you write this article. Who did you say you worked for again?”

Next week the SGA will consider a new proposition to reinstate John Leguizamo as the spiritual leader of the student senate, overturning the 2002 decision to remove him after his appearance in the animated film Ice Age. SGA president Brian Towne advocated personally for the motion saying “Ice Age was years ago. Sure, there were a few too many disappointing sequels, but he was good in John Wick, and that’s enough for me.”

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