aka “President Trump Hails Umass Dartmouth as a “Model University” in First Visit”
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By Seth Tamarkin, Contributing Writer
On a cold, withering March day in Massachusetts, the last thing anyone at Umass Dartmouth would have expected to see roll down Ring Road was the President’s sleek black motorcade, but that’s exactly what happened when President Trump himself came to tour the school.
Dressed in an ill-fitting suit with a much-too-big tie, the President, along with his wife Ivanka, have been visiting universities around the nation to find one that will suit their son Eric Trump well. “I love all my children, even Tiffany, believe me, but Eric has always been the Jeb of the family.” The President told The Torch in an exclusive interview, “He’s low energy, very low energy, and frankly the millions of dollars I donated to enroll him in Georgetown University have completely backfired. Really backfired. Backfired!”
Clearing up his comments, First Lady Melania added, “I famously once said that ‘in politics, stupidity is not a handicap’ but Eric is really stretching that. We think reenrolling him in school may educate him and us as we strive to give Americans the best education possible as long as they’re rich and white.”
With that said, The Trumps kicked off their tour by visiting classrooms and the newly-finished quad. “The architecture here is great, really great”, The President noted as he rubbed the monoliths that make up Dartmouth’s academic buildings. “The cold, grey stone really invokes an image of a prison, something my administration has been trying to do in every school with our hugely admired plan to have armed guards in all classrooms.”
After mentioning the admiration for his plan a few more times, The President of the United States cut himself off and just stared blankly at the campanile for a few seconds before uttering, “Wow, that’s big, not as big as Trump Tower, but big. And trust me I know big. I’m not sure you know this, but they say I won the biggest electoral landslide in history.” When our reporter asked who he meant by ‘they’, Trump calmly replied “the voices” before resuming his speech about the 2016 election as he strolled towards campus center.
Of the entire trip, President Trump surely liked the Campus Center the worst. His initial fury that there was no McDonald’s, only a Wendy’s, was followed by a tirade focusing on the giant mural of President Barack Obama and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. found in the Center. “Where’s my mural?” The President yelled, “Believe me, if there were ever a people that wanted my mural instead of Obama’s, it would be the great people of Massachusetts. They love me. I don’t know why you’d even have a mural of Obama with Samuel L. Jackson, Samuel hasn’t gotten high ratings since he starred in that Ray Charles movie.”
Moving on, The President visited the dining hall, and was jubilant at the food’s quality. “Oh, this just tastes terrible,” The Commander-in-Chief triumphantly stated while chewing a dining hall cheeseburger, “But y’know what? Eric loves garbage. Sometimes security at Trump Tower finds him digging through the trashcans looking for food like some sort of sad raccoon…so he’ll probably enjoy this food, yea.”
Next to the dining halls is the Frederick Douglass Unity House, but Trump didn’t see the need to tour there during his visit. The President stated that “I was just talking to my good friend Frederick Douglass the other day, so I don’t need to see him again.” Despite Douglass dying over one hundred years ago, Trump was undeterred in his assertion that they talked last week and therefore could skip going to the Unity House.
As the exhaustive tour winded down, the President saved his best remarks for a final speech given in the Campus Center Auditorium. He spoke eloquently on a wide range of topics from “Crooked Hillary” to “no collusion” but ultimately came up with one conclusion; “When my wife and I enroll Little Eric Trump in school next semester, we will definitely choose Umass Dartmouth. It is a model University and as a founder of my own school, the popular Trump University, I know a thing or two about model universities”. Wise words indeed.