Campus damaged by meatcreature

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This is a source of parody, satire, and humor and is for entertainment purposes only, published for the week of April Fools. Said posts or stories may or may not use real names, always in semi-real and/or mostly, or substantially, fictitious ways. As the purpose of said stories is to entertain and amuse and not to disparage any persons, or institutions, in any way and no malice is intended toward anyone or anything, nor should any be construed from the satirically based stories and fake news items.  This is not a source of facts or real information. That means all items or stories published for Issue 20 of The Torch are fictitious.

By Benjamin Solomon, Staff Writer

On Sunday, April 1, the campus center and the marketplace (also known as Res) were reduced to rubble by the destructive rampage of what can only be described as a giant monster made of meatballs.

According to one junior political science student, John Smith, the morning started out normally. “I was eating in Res since it opened in order to get my money’s worth, as usual. Everything tasted pretty okay.”

Smith continued, “Then around noon I went to the bathroom, and before I could come back to the dining area there was a ton of noise and people came running down the stairs. I just followed everyone else outside.”

What the assembled students and staff witnessed was something totally unlike anything in campus history. Out of the roof of the marketplace burst a red-brown, human-like figure. This figure writhed and thrashed like a cat in a blanket, until it managed to break out of the building.

The creature then attempted to enter the campus center doors which did not work out due to the fact that it was over 20 feet tall. It still entered the campus center, however it did this by knocking over any walls in its path. This resulted in the complete obliteration of Wendy’s.

One sophomore business major, Billy Baloney, noticed an interesting detail. “So, when this big red dude was freaking out I saw some red stuff fly off him. I thought it was blood, so I started freaking out, but I noticed that it smelled pretty good. Turns out it was meat sauce, man.”

As the creature lumbered through campus, it left puddles of residue. A brief tasting revealed that this substance was indeed meatballs. Pictures taken by students nearby confirm that this creature was in fact made of what looked like many regular meatballs put together.

Little more can be learned, however, as the meatball being strolled across campus to fight the wind turbine. The wind turbine turned out to not be as easy a victim as the campus center or the marketplace, as its gentle spinning motion gravely injured the meatcreature.

The creature was last seen stumbling towards the Dell pond where footsteps disappeared.

The departments of public safety, public affairs, and dining services declined to comment. However, meatballs have since been removed from the menu at the marketplace.

The Torch sought reactions from a few students. One, freshman math major Garry Hadek, gave a heartfelt response.

“I loved Wendy’s. I ate burgers there every day. I feel that our campus now truly knows loss.”

One student, who only identified herself as Generic Individual said while standing in the rubble, “Sounds fake to me. Pretty unbelievable.”

The meatball monster left key campus buildings in ruins, but more importantly it left questions, such as:

Where did it go?

How did it come to exist?

What drove it to such wanton destruction?

What is its qualm with renewable energy?

Photo Courtesy: tyson food inc.


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