This is a source of parody, satire, and humor and is for entertainment purposes only, published for the week of April Fools. Said posts or stories may or may not use real names, always in semi-real and/or mostly, or substantially, fictitious ways. As the purpose of said stories is to entertain and amuse and not to disparage any persons, or institutions, in any way and no malice is intended toward anyone or anything, nor should any be construed from the satirically based stories and fake news items.  This is not a source of facts or real information. That means all items or stories published for Issue 20 of The Torch are fictitious. 

By Alex Kerravala, staff writer

In Stormy Daniels’ recent 60 Minutes interview with Anderson Cooper, she alleged, among other things, that there is a chance she is Barron Trump’s Biological mother.

The interview began with Ms Daniels and Mr Cooper exchanging greetings but unlike any interview I have seen, with Ms Daniels completely bare-bodied. As it would appear the adult film star is simply more comfortable being seen in this light.

Thankfully, Cooper was proficient enough in interviewing to meet this bizarre occurrence with his usual calm, collected nature.

The dame of Dirty Deeds spent most of the interview discussing her extensive sexual relationship with the 45th president.

“What was the first thing you noticed about him? Once, of course, the deed had been done?”

“Well, as soon as he removed his shirt, I was able to see he had a third nipple, and then as soon as he dropped his Mickey Mouse briefs, I was able to see a nipple wasn’t the only thing he had three of.”

“You are referring, then, to his testicles?” Cooper asked looking for clarification.

“I am. And it wouldn’t have been so noticable if he didnt feel the need to name them.”

“And what did he name them?”

“He said he named them off the three most important people in his life: Shrek, Fiona, and Eddie Murphy.”

“And he was serious here?”

“Dead serious. I thought he was joking at first, so I started laughing, and he seemed to take it really personally.”

This star of Space Nuts then told Cooper more of her numerous sexual liaisons with Donald Trump, including one where she played out the infamous character, Princess Hubba Hubba, from said film for the Commander in Chief.

“I guess he just has a thing for Aliens, legal or otherwise,” she said, jokingly.

Unfortunate for The Donald, but fortunate for the audience, this was not the only encounter the Leading Lady of Love Potion 69 discussed a prior encounter which allegedly happened in mid July 20011, nine months prior to the birth of Baron Trump.

Could this mean that Barron Trump, Donald Trump’s youngest son, is indeed the son of the sexual secretary starring in Slave to Love?

Unfortunately, this remains a mystery to everyone aside from Melania, Donald. Stormy, or any of the other numerous women Trump grabbed by the pussy in that time frame.

So what else did the Femme Fatale of Finally Legal 7 have to say about her ongoing and unpleasant love affair with this billionaire president?

Well, for starters, she recalled a time in mid 2010, two years after Barack Obama was elected president, where Mr Trump wanted to dress up as the 44th President of the United States, complete with a tearaway blue suit, ear prosthetics, and, much to the discomfort of the beautiful babe from Blind Date, black makeup.

“He was really into the character, even if it meant having sex with a girl less than half his age in blackface.”

“Did he say anything while in character?” Cooper asked, looking for any detail he could find.

“He kept referring to his- you know- as a ‘stimulus package.’ It was uncomfortable but for the type of money I was making with him I just had to grit my teeth and deal with it.”

According to the Damsel of Dirty Minds, the characters didn’t stop there, as Trump would, from then on, dress himself as other popular figures such as, but not limited to, the Pope, the monopoly man, and his own grandfather.

Whether or not Trump had a sexual affair with the Woman of Whatever it Takes is still up in the air, as none of this can be confirmed. However, it is important to remember that Ms Daniels is risking a significant amount of money after signing a non-disclosure-agreement, swearing to take this story to the grave.

Ms Daniels risks a lot to bring this information to the public. We must do right by her, and spread this to the ends of the earth, to make her efforts not be in vain.