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Media Production Manager: Lilly Lafleur

Email: Llafleur@umassd.edu

In a recent move that has sparked confusion, fear, and a certain level of… awe, several students of the University of Massachusetts, Dartmouth were recently incarcerated in what can only be described as a “Satanic dungeon” after a crackdown on questionable extracurricular activities.

The students, all residents of the Woodland Apartments, were detained after there were caught smoking weed in Willow, Evergreen, Birch, Hickory, and Aspen Halls—a violation that, in this case, led to a punishment so unworldly, so bizarre that it defies even the most twisted of academic protocols.

It all started on Tuesday, November 31st, when a dorm room on the third floor of Willow filled with the scent of marijuana. Housing and Residential Education Staff quickly got involved as the ventilation system spread the pungent scent throughout the entirety of the building.

Students Catherine Smith, Summer Jones, and Phoenix Brouch, were discovered by a very suspicious RA, who, according to sources, was already carrying an iPad filled with obscure questions about demonology, existential philosophy, and their new member application to the university’s conspiracy club.

The RA in question, described as having “a slight chill in the air around them” and a penchant for long, black cloaks, immediately escalated the situation—and many others like it—to UMPD Officer Cliff Hills.

The students were swiftly apprehended by Hills not for the illegal weed but because they made “perfect sacrifices for opening a gateway to the netherworld,” as was deduced from posts by the RA on social media.

“Well, I mean, there were other officers there, too, not just me. I just uh, forgot to add them into my report… It was a busy night,” Officer Hills told interviewers. 

When interviewers pressed further, Hills evaded providing any direct information, but we are able to gather that only the RA and Officer Hills were involved in the detainment and that HRE Staff and any other security were told to stand down.

“For the pot thing, I was just going to say I thought it was fine because it’s legal in Mass now, but the gateway crap… Yeah, I have no idea,” said Brouch to interviewers after her escape.

As for what she escaped from… Well, after the students were apprehended by campus police, they were dragged into an archaic tunnel system that lies deep beneath the university.

Only some of the students were able to be identified, and the majority remain a mystery. The nature of what went on below the campus is likely preventing more students from coming forward.

“I thought it was just a study session,” said one of the students in an interview. “But then they mentioned something about our souls being bound for the fiery pits of torment below, and then I thought, ‘This is some real shit.’”

“I think I remember talking to a police officer… But then the next thing I know, it was dark and cold,” Brouch offered up in interview. “It had, like, cobwebs and floating dirt [dust] everywhere which is so unsanitary, I mean, what do the janitors even get paid for?”

The worst part, according to Brouch, is when the girls were all handed the Handbook for the Recently Deceased. “What, more homework to do?” she exclaimed. “And it’s not even a digital copy either. They just gave us an actual book made out of paper!”

Exact details of the torture students reportedly endured have been removed from this article due to explicit content.

The sequence of events reportedly uncovered the secret employment of Vice Chancellor Asmodeus of Underground Affairs. University officials argue that Asmodeus simply oversees facilities and the underground HVAC system, but everyone who knows UMass knows that there is no working HVAC system.

“I’ve certainly learned my lesson,” Brouch told interviewers. “Now I know to never smoke in my apartment again, so next time, I’ll have to choose somewhere else like the amphitheater or LARTs roof or maybe even the old abandoned tribal land behind the Dells, or the cemetery next to it…”

(This article is written as a parody for Torchure.)