Giraffees are amazing, here’s why

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This is a source of parody, satire, and humor and is for entertainment purposes only, published for the week of April Fools. Said posts or stories may or may not use real names, always in semi-real and/or mostly, or substantially, fictitious ways. As the purpose of said stories is to entertain and amuse and not to disparage any persons, or institutions, in any way and no malice is intended toward anyone or anything, nor should any be construed from the satirically based stories and fake news items.  This is not a source of facts or real information. That means all items or stories published for Issue 20 of The Torch are fictitious.

By Brian Harris, staff writer

Finally, I get to talk about giraffes.

I’ve worked at The Torch for almost a year now, and this is my first giraffe article. How is that possible? If there was any justice in this world I should have written at least five giraffe articles by now, maybe even more.

I could probably do one a week, two a week even. But regardless, let’s get down to business.

Giraffes are amazing. There I said it, I know, controversial opinion, but it’s the truth. First of all, just look at them, google image search a giraffe and then come back. I’ll wait. You’re back? Speechless, right? Yeah, I know, almost as speechless as I was when Donald Trump won the presidency.

Now, let’s get some sick giraffe facts up in here. According to the San Diego zoo’s official website, a giraffe’s neck is six feet long and weighs six hundred pounds. Do you know how much effort I would have to put in to weigh six hundred pounds?

And that’s for my whole body, this is just the giraffe’s neck we’re talking about. In total, a male giraffe can weigh 3,000 pounds, again according to the San Diego zoo’s website. I mean, at that point it’s not even a stretch to say that a giraffe is like, the weight of fifteen normal dudes, just like how it’s not even a stretch to say that Donald Trump is a rapist.

Moving on, look at those bad ass spots all over a giraffe. What’s the point of those? Did you know that, according to “dosomething.org,” no two giraffe’s spot patterns are alike?

They’re like human finger prints, except all over your body and for a giraffe. They also say they’re the tallest mammals on earth, with their legs by themselves being about six feet, which is roughly the size of us!

And you know all of this info is legit because it’s from a “dot org”. Or at least you did know that before President Trump made everything governmental meaningless.

And how about those little nubby horn things on their heads? Those things are the best, what’s their purpose? I don’t know, and that’s why they’re the best! Maybe it’s for fighting? Have you seen giraffes fighting? You ever seen those videos on YouTube?

They swing their entire necks at other giraffes, its like fencing but with giraffe necks! Its literally the greatest thing ever of all time, just a couple of giraffes flailing at each other.

If you haven’t seen it, just picture that time that President Donald J. Trump mocked a physically disabled reporter and you’ve got the general idea.

Finally, since this may be the only time I get to talk about giraffes for this paper, I want to inform you on what’s probably the greatest crime in not just America, but the world at large. That giraffes are an underrated animal.

I mean, let’s face it, when’s the last time you heard about one? About their cool necks and weird snout nose faces? About their sick hooves or amazing mohawk manes?

Never, and you know why?

Because people keep shoving stuff we don’t care about in our faces, stuff like Trump potentially colluding with Russia, Trump firing multiple staff members, Trump calling world leaders names, all that stuff that us normal people don’t need to see. What we need, now more than ever, is giraffes.

And it’s about time.

Photo Courtesy: The rival umd,  askideas,  pinterest

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