This is a source of parody, satire, and humor and is for entertainment purposes only, published for the week of April Fools. Said posts or stories may or may not use real names, always in semi-real and/or mostly, or substantially, fictitious ways. As the purpose of said stories is to entertain and amuse and not to disparage any persons, or institutions, in any way and no malice is intended toward anyone or anything, nor should any be construed from the satirically based stories and fake news items. This is not a source of facts or real information. That means all items or stories published for Issue 20 of The Torch are fictitious.
By Michaella Lesieur, Staff Writer
Have you ever wanted to learn to curtesy and wave like a princess? Maybe pick out one of those magical floor length gowns that flow from top to bottom and glimmer in the evening moon lit sky as you dance the night away?
Well, now you can…that’s right you heard it. The University of Massachusetts Dartmouth now has a major specifically for how to become a royal.
Instead of buying a countless number of textbooks the requirements include nothing but a princess toolkit totaling up to $500.00.
The staples include shoes, jewelry, gowns and lets not forget the most important thing…a tiara! It can’t just be any tiara either. The more glitz and glam the better. You can find the perfect fit right here at our campus bookstore.
From rose gold to sterling silver each one is handmade with diamonds made available in any color; however, make sure to order one early it takes about two weeks to make.
The advisors are one of a kind too; they are here to help you on your journey.
Each advisor provides students with their first glass slipper once achieving the first foundation course.
The first glass slipper is meant to be worn on their first UMass Dartmouth Dinner Ball where everyone is inducted into the major.
Forget about lectures the classes consist of attending royal outings and balls. Did I mention the Duchess will be making a special guest appearance to give a presentation on how to dine like a royal on April 15? This is worth three extra credits, which will allow each princess to gain another diamond on their tiara. Each diamond received will award princesses in training $1,000 to put towards their wardrobe.
Although, this may sound like all fun in games being a princess is a lot of hard work.
We are talking weekly nail appointments, hours upon hours of shopping, guest appearances, royal duties and more.
It can be exhausting which is why taking the massage therapy class is a must. When taking the massage therapy class students receive a free 15 minute message and a hand paraffin treatment before they go to their wave and bow class.
The wave and bow class is part of the princess academies foundation courses.
I recommend taking it your first semester. You will learn all there is to waving and bowing for all of your up and coming custom events.
We also have a ballroom dancing class and the princess film fest class which allows princess to learn from the experts. Movie screenings include: Princess Diaries, Cinderella, Frozen, The Little Princess, and my favorite Beauty and the Beast.
During the films princesses are served tea and tea treats including pastries, crumpets, Italian biscotti and sandwiches, which are cut into triangles.
Other classes include dressing like a princess which shows you all the steps to applying makeup, doing your hair and picking the perfect outfit.
Students majoring in this degree must fulfill 175 credits and 35 hours of royal duties before graduation, where they are able to show what they have learned.
Each princess at the end of their degree will walk across the stage and not only receive their degree but their own fairy godmother who will help them on their first year of royalty.
After their diploma is received a horse drawn carriage will be waiting to take them to their very own three bedroom, two bath mansion.
If this sounds like a dream come true to you, why not give it a try? If only one could… well no one said you couldn’t imagine it.