This is a source of parody, satire, and humor and is for entertainment purposes only, published for the week of April Fools. Said posts or stories may or may not use real names, always in semi-real and/or mostly, or substantially, fictitious ways. As the purpose of said stories is to entertain and amuse and not to disparage any persons, or institutions, in any way and no malice is intended toward anyone or anything, nor should any be construed from the satirically based stories and fake news items. This is not a source of facts or real information. That means all items or stories published for Issue 20 of The Torch are fictitious.
By Michaela Gates, Staff Writer
The Kardashian clan is basically considered our versions of “royalty” in America. Therefore it only makes sense that Kim Kardashian, the lovely leader of America’s most wonderful family makes a run at the White House in 2020.
America is deserving of a strong and influential female leader like Kim Kardashian. I beg the question could Hilary Clinton have turned a leaked sex tape into fame and fortune? The answer is no, if Kim can turn her steamy tape with Ray J into fame, then what can’t she do?
We already have a reality star in the White House and things have never been better. America is great again and I have never been prouder to salute the stars and stripes, therefore I ask why would we ruin it by not electing another reality TV star.
If we go back to real politicians I fear what could happen, our country has never been stronger than it is today and given how much better Keeping up with The Kardashians is than The Apprentice; it only makes sense that she would be a much better leader than Trump.
If Americans are smart we won’t stop at Trump or Kardashian, we will just continue to elect reality TV stars to hold political office because they are the people that should be running this country. Snookie for Governor of New Jersey, Paris Hilton for Senate, and some random person from Hoarders as VP.
And God willing the cast of RuPaul’s Drag Race would be elected to fill any other positions I have failed to mention. America has reality TV stars and we frankly aren’t using them to their full potential, we are wasting them on TV when we could be using them as the leaders for tomorrow.
Kardashian has already made campaign promises to give free plastic surgery to anyone who desires it and a butt injection centers on the corner.
However, many have criticized her policy requiring every American baby to be named after a compass direction. For example, names like Kevin Bradley are no longer acceptable, however West Bradley is legal.
Others have questioned whether or not it is ethical for her husband, Kayne West, to remix the national anthem as she has proposed and Kayne insists he will act upon. But, I can say that she won over my vote when she promised a free razor scooter to every American over the age of 45.
When asked about what the middle aged Americans would do with them she responded “Khloe is a bitch and she woke me up at eleven A.M. yesterday. What the hell is that? I got a nanny so I wouldn’t be woken up by other people. Whatever her ex, Lamar, smokes crack and I blame Khloe.”
If you don’t understand the answer you aren’t alone, but I can’t say that I didn’t love it because I have never heard anything so intellectual in my life. As far as her thoughts on her former step parent Caitlyn Jenner her response was very simple
“Caitlyn grounded me when I was seventeen because I snuck out and got wasted with N’SYNC then came home and puked on the living room carpet.
We had a maid to clean it up, so I really don’t understand what I did wrong, I would go back and do it again if I could that carpet was ugly as hell.”
It is refreshing to see such an open politician, she has nothing to hide and is not afraid to share her life with us. God Bless Kim Kardashian and God bless America! Kardashian 2020.
Photo courtesy: Stylecaster