This is a source of parody, satire, and humor and is for entertainment purposes only, published for the week of April Fools. Said posts or stories may or may not use real names, always in semi-real and/or mostly, or substantially, fictitious ways. As the purpose of said stories is to entertain and amuse and not to disparage any persons, or institutions, in any way and no malice is intended toward anyone or anything, nor should any be construed from the satirically based stories and fake news items. This is not a source of facts or real information. That means all items or stories published for Issue 20 of The Torch are fictitious.
By Sebastian Moronta, SGA Correspondent
Late last week, President Trump unleashed his newest response to growing calls for gun control.
The announcement was made only moments after adult film star and former Trump mistress released images of the briefs he wore on the night of their salacious affair, although the white house claims they were unrelated events.
The first tweet began with a question we’ve all been asking, “Where are all these attack dogs I see in the movies, where were they at Parkland, Sandy Hook? Obama and Dems cut Dog funding, must reverse. Protect our schools!”
He then followed with several more tweets articulating his position and linking off to a Fox News poll from last January stating that 82% of Americans like dogs. He aims to get that figure above 90 by the end of his term.
The idea of increased funding towards police dog training programs is not new, in fact several state legislators have increased K-9 training across the country, some in response to tragic events, and others by popular demand. What has sparked controversy is Trump’s suggestion that we arm the dogs after basic obedience training.
“Human cops not enough, need more protection!” He cried on Twitter.
Members of the mainstream media lambasted the President for what many see as a “ludicrous” idea, although the outrage has not been bipartisan. Conservatives have lined up to defend the position, some calling for an executive order that extends the second amendment to dogs.
Political commentators on the left, including Last Week Tonight’s John Oliver, think the measure is misguided. “Dogs are not the answer. While they are adorable, and loyal, they are simply not the best choice for an armed non-human fighting force.”
Oliver then suggested that a best application of our resources would be in breeding and training komodo dragons, as they are stronger and have thicker skin that is more resistant to gunfire.
He also explored the idea of a tank-class species, the hippopotamus, which is among the strongest and deadliest creatures on the planet.
Gun control activist and Parkland shooting survivor David Hogg also disagrees with the move, saying on CNN’s State of the Union, “Dogs are special, and I don’t want the government infringing on my right to be safe around dogs. Can a dog with a gun be a good boy? Do they even care about our lives?”
Conservatives came out in support of the measure, many of which claiming that dog lives are inherently worth less than human lives, thus they should be the first line of defense, provided that LGBT canines be barred from joining.
Strangely enough, I agree with the president. I wouldn’t choose dogs, thee are plenty of better options, but it’s time for humanity to start investing in a non-human military force. Whether that be a species that already exists, or a new one that scientists cobble together in a lab somewhere.
We’ve all seen Jurassic Park, as long as we don’t make the same mistakes those idiots made we could accomplish some great things.
Humanity hasn’t built anything really big in a while. The pyramids, the great wall, the Eiffel tower, they’re all old news.
With a new species of worker-beavers, we could build a new monument to human creation, or send them out in little troupes to fix potholes and chipped sidewalks across the country.
Listen, it’s either we do it, or we genetically mutate another species into having the ideal characteristics to do it themselves. Your choice, humanity.