This is a source of parody, satire, and humor and is for entertainment purposes only, published for the week of April Fools. Said posts or stories may or may not use real names, always in semi-real and/or mostly, or substantially, fictitious ways. As the purpose of said stories is to entertain and amuse and not to disparage any persons, or institutions, in any way and no malice is intended toward anyone or anything, nor should any be construed from the satirically based stories and fake news items. This is not a source of facts or real information. That means all items or stories published for Issue 20 of The Torch are fictitious.
By Dylan Botelho, Staff Writer
Crypto currency has taken the world by storm. Bitcoin revolutionized the new form of currency this year, but it’s new successor, Bitcoiin2gen, has the ability to take what Bitcoin started and ascend to new heights.
Bitcoiin2gen is the superior, more advanced version of the original Bitcoin exchange system. Proposing a self-sustaining crypto-currency, Bitcoiin2gen provides its own eco-system, wallet, and mining machines to maximize the ability to acquire and exchange totally real currency that definitely won’t just take your money and use it for something very illegal.
According to the currency’s website (because currencies have websites of course) Bitcoiin2gen uses Etheruem block chain which is a safer and faster block chain than Bitcoin’s. Despite the fact that nobody knows what an Etheruem block chain is, we can trust bitcoiin2gen because they are a totally real currency that definitely won’t just take your money and use it for something very illegal.
According to projections, Bitcoiin2gen’s value of all coins on the market is predicted to be $77,600,000,000 in December of 2018. Meaning that if you were to purchase Bitcoiin2gen tokens for a measly $5 it’s value could perhaps possibly maybe almost reach $388 by December. Now that’s what I call a strong investment. If you purchased $5,000 of Bitcoiin2gen you could perhaps possibly maybe almost have a return investment of $388,000. You would be a sucker to not invest your entire lifesavings into this totally real currency that definitely won’t just take your money and use it for something very illegal.
Still not convinced? The official face of the new superior, totally real currency that definitely won’t just take your money and use it for something very illegal is none other than zen-master, Steven Seagal. The former Hollywood actor decided to become the currency’s brand ambassador due to his beliefs that, “the development of the physical self is essential to protect the spiritual man.” Which really speaks to Bitcoiin2gen’s voice, being a crypto-currency and all. A crypto-currency that we must not forget, is a totally real currency that definitely won’t just take your money and use it for something very illegal.
If you’d like to learn anymore about the company, you are in luck, as the company’s whitepaper does not explain any of the systems used in currency transfer, claiming that doing so would be redundant, since the original Bitcoin has already done it. That’s exactly what you like to see when throwing your money into a totally real currency that definitely won’t just take your money and use it for something very illegal. They’re not messing around with things that have already been done before despite the fact that nobody understands any of the systems, no they’re too busy being a real currency that definitely won’t take your money and use it for something illegal.
Don’t be the guy who in December when Bitcoiin2gen blows up, tells all of his friends “oh I could’ve bought some back in April but didn’t.” Buy NOW. Buy because there isn’t any crypto-currency better. Buy because I can say with full confidence that Bitcoiin2gen is a totally real currency that definitely won’t just take your money and use it for something very illegal.