National Divorce and You: What You Need to Know

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Staff Writer: Maya Arruda


The continuous conflict between liberals and conservatives has no end in sight. As part of a last-ditch effort to avoid an all-out civil war, Congress passed a vote to approve a “National Divorce” on March 25th. 

In this National Divorce, the former United States of America will be split evenly into two separate nations, with 25 states each.

The new nations will sign a formal nonaggression pact to prevent bloodshed. 

Immigration between the two nations will be strictly regulated by the former national guard until each nation has organized a formal military force. 

Paperwork for short-term (less than 1 month) stays at the other sister nation can be found here in case you want to visit family, though this is subject to change as the fledgling governments develop. 

Northeastern states have been given to the liberals, while the deep south has completely embraced its red roots. 

California remains a liberal-owned state, and the American midwest has been divvied up between the two sides based on the division of agricultural land. 

Alaska, due to its low population, has been allowed to exist as a third, completely sovereign country. 

The state of Ohio has been given to Canada.  

All former U.S. citizens will be able to choose which nation to reside in within the next 5 years without needing any formal paperwork to be accepted as an official citizen. 

After the five-year grace period, only those 18 to 22 will be able to apply for legal citizenship in a sister country without needing to complete an I-908 Form and a rigorous background check. 

Moving companies have agreed to help citizens pro bono as a future tax write-off. Properties for those moving countries will be swapped for properties of roughly equal value, as evaluated by David and Hilary, real estate experts from Canada, to provide an unbiased estimate. 

All US passports must be replaced with updated passports reflecting the new country of residence by 2025 for international transportation, according to updated UN regulations

Preliminary surveys have been sent in the mail to liberal and conservative states to vote on prospective country names. 

According to the initial results, the liberal north would like to be called Mordor in honor of J. R. R. Tolkien’s titular novel, The Lord of the Rings. If this name ends up passing in the final vote, actor Elijah Wood has agreed to be a part of the new governing council. 

The conservative south seems almost unanimous in favor of Merica since America is no longer available for use. 

A representative of Mordor has announced in a press release that the nation will have free/lower-priced healthcare, equal rights for women and minorities, and the right to have an abortion reinstated. Trans rights, particularly those for trans youths, will be added as part of the new constitution, officially dubbed The Sacred Texts.

There have been governmental reforms suggested by Mordor representatives of replacing the traditional three-branch democracy with a democratically elected ruling council with equal representation for all states, socioeconomic groups, races, and ethnic groups. 

These positions will be given the national average salary and will serve 5 years before re-election.

Merica has made no official statement on any future governmental policy. They have, however, formally withdrawn from the UN.

Trump, however, has made an official declaration that he is going to run for the southern presidency under the slogan of “Make Merica Great.” 

His rival for the position, Floridian governor DeSantis, says that Merica needs leadership focused on the future, not stuck in past glory. 

As a system of electing official leaders has not been released by Merica in the early stages of the divorce, it is unknown how each candidate will achieve victory or when the Merican president will finally be sworn into office. 

Depending on the efficiency of Merican voters and bureaucracy, Merica may be officially leaderless for years. 

*This article is written as a parody for the Torchure.


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