Staff Writer: Sydney M. Cayer
The Bachelor is a reality show that has been running since 2002 and is finishing its 27th season.
The show follows an eligible bachelor on the quest to find a wife. To start off the season, the bachelor is presented with a group of bachelorettes.
Each week the bachelor brings the bachelorettes on dates to get to know them. Throughout the season, the bachelor will eliminate candidates. Ultimately, the bachelor will propose to his, hopefully, new fiancé.
Arnie received an email from the producers claiming he was irresistible and that he would be the perfect bachelor for the next season.
“We are looking for someone cunning, smart, and a ladies’ man,” a producer said, “we think Arnie will get along well with the ladies we have picked out for the season and are sure that Arnie will find his true love.”
This season’s twist is that Arnie will be the first LGBTQ+ bachelor. Fans have been dying for a more inclusive season of The Bachelor.
“Arnie is a proud bisexual,” a source close to him said, “Arnie has been in and out of the dating pool for a while, but is finally ready to announce his sexuality publicly. He is excited to see what this could bring for him.”
“I know I will be accepted back home at UMass Dartmouth as we have a powerful LGBTQ+ presence at the university,” Arnie said with tears in his eyes.
There are typically 25 contestants in each series of The Bachelor, but since this one will be full of drama, love, and feelings, that would be too much to handle, so the producers have decided to keep it to six candidates in total.
About the Candidates
Our first candidate is-
Rowdy, the Riverhawk from UMass Lowell
Rowdy is excited to get rowdy during this season of The Bachelor.
“I think Arnie will really like me. I am a rizz god. I am nervous though because I might have had relations with some of the other candidates….”
Rowdy has had Tinder Platinum downloaded for over a year and currently has 2,000 matches.
To say he is inexperienced in the dating world is an understatement.
For hobbies, you can find Rowdy kicking it back with the boys, committing misdemeanors, and dry-scooping pre-workout with no intention of actually working out.
Next up for hot bachelors, we have-
Bristaco, the Bear from Bridgewater State University
Bristaco is a momma’s boy who spends his free time doing puzzles. He is an honorary cheer squad member and started the knitting club at BSU.
“I am excited for The Bachelor because I have always seen Arnie on Tinder, but he has never swiped right back to me. Maybe I can convince him to fall in love with me.”
Bristaco is excited to share his love for knitting and reading with the other candidates.
“At the end of the day, this is about making friends. I hope I can find some new friends who I can share my hobbies with!” He said with a smile.
Hopefully, Arnie does not break his poor heart!
One last thing that Bristaco wanted the fans to know is that he is a die-hard HGTV stan, and if anyone wants to join his subreddit about it, they are more than welcome.
The third one is a charm with-
Rhett, the Boston Terrier from Boston University
Rhett can be found at every sporting event hosted by Boston University. He is just as busy when not attending games too.
In the day, Rhett is a stockbroker and teaches passive income to students at BU. At night, he’s a bouncer at a local club but lets anyone in.
“One time I let a 16-year-old in.. that was my bad.”
‘I am excited about The Bachelor because I am ready to settle down,” Rhett explained. “I just want to retire in a quiet town like Dartmouth. I can not keep living in Boston anyway, as I have run into the law too many times being a bouncer.”
He might be using Arnie to escape the law, but I will let Arnie make the judgment call on that/
Finding ladies for this show took a lot of work as, unfortunately, the mascot lifestyle is dominated by men, like many other professions. After much searching and persuasion, we found a female.
Wilma the Wildcat from the University of Arizona
She is an icon. Wilma recently (ten years ago) made history as one of two female mascots to make the Capital One All-American Team.
Wilma is a girl who loves simple things, Pinterest, reading, and gardening.
She wanted to share that she waited in line virtually for three days for the Taylor Swift Era’s tour tickets and got front-row seats.
“I hope I can take Arnie as my date to Taylor Swift!” She told her manager.
“I am a little nervous because I used to date one of the candidates whose name rhymes with Dowdy… but it should be okay because we are here for Arnie. Plus, I can always blackmail my ex, hehe!!”
She also wants everyone to know that she has a 10% off code for Barnes and Noble, and she will give it away if you message her.
Our next hopeless romantic is-
YoUDee, the Blue Hen from the University of Delaware
YoUDee (pronounced you-dee) is an officially androgynous firecracker.
They are wicked chill and love hiking, bowling, and running.
YoUDee is a drag performer at local clubs in their free time and likes to read to kids at different libraries.
When they are not helping the community, they harm it by creating havoc in local Facebook groups and lying to local moms. On the side, they catfish civilians on Facebook as well.
“I hope the viewers don’t recognize me from the Facebook scams I committed. I won’t say how recent they were, but all I can say is if you recognize me, I am not sorry.” According to the source who sent us this quote, they said it in an oddly lovely tone.
“I hope that Arnie and I can reconnect spiritually like before. We used to message on Facebook, but I catfished him, pretending to be Wilma from the University of Arizona. He was nice when we talked!”
And for the finale-
Beacon from UMass Boston
Beacon is a lighthouse which means they love getting lit! Beacon likes to try and shine their light as bright as they can so they can blind pedestrians.
They are the creator of Farmers Only, a dating site for farmers.
Before becoming the Beacon we know and love, they were a farmer struggling to find love. “Farmers Only never ended up helping me find love, so I hope I can fall in love with Arnie.”
Beacon aims to compete on Wipeout but will settle for The Bachelor.
There is little to say about Beacon, as they are a lighthouse.
Now that we know the candidates, we will meet again next time on:
*This article is written as a parody for the Torchure.