Sports Editor: Shailyn Bacchiocchi
Because of the ongoing safety concerns on campus, the University has implemented a new program to ensure students feel comfortable and secure on campus.
UMass Dartmouth has started the Personal Safety Goose Program, or PSGP, to help students with their everyday lives on campus.
“It’s really a great system, and we’re glad the Geese have been so willing to kickstart this initiative with us,” Chancellor Mark Fuller says. “The students are excited, the geese are excited, and we’re happy to form new connections with these groups.”
With the way the program is looking right now, every student will receive a Personal Safety Goose (PSG) as needed from 8 AM-8 PM.
The PSG will meet students outside of their dorms (residential students) or outside of their cars (commuters).
From there, the PSG will follow students around campus, accompanying them to wherever the student needs to go.
“I am super excited about this initiative,” Kamryn Kobel, a junior on campus, expresses. “It’s about time that we put the geese to good use. Plus, with a goose to protect me, I’ll feel safer than I ever have on campus.”
The program was piloted on Thursday and included ten student volunteers as well as ten potential Personal Safety Geese.
“I think it went really well,” a student volunteer said, “People avoid me frequently now that I have a goose next to me.”
“It’s good exercise,” one of the PSG mentions, “and I get to explore the campus more.”
There was also some constructive criticism from the pilot.
“Why do geese poop every five seconds?” one student volunteer complained.
“I mean, this girl went to Dunkin like twenty times,” a PSG stated. “Is this really what we’re getting paid for? What is dangerous about a cold brew?”
Both Mark Fuller and Garnie Goose, lead PSG, agree some work may need to be done based on the pilot.
“Chancellor Fuller and I have been working hard to structure this program to best fit the needs of all the parties,” Garnie Goose explains. “I’ve personally had some trouble getting enough geese on board.”
After talking with some geese on campus, it seems like some of them feel unsure about this new initiative, leading to delays in training.
“Following around these students for three pieces of bread a day? I’d find more food sitting in the middle of a parking lot,” one goose stated.
“All these students do is ignore us and complain, why should I take time out of my day to help them?” another goose weighed in.
A small group of geese have been forming a protest against the PSGP, as they feel they are being exploited.
“We couldn’t protest in the form of a walkout because that’s what most of the students want us to do,” a protest goose explained. “So instead, we’ve decided to just get in their way and continue pooping on their walkways.”
“I’m aware of the small group of unhappy geese,” Garnie Goose mentioned when asked about the protest, “unfortunately, we are never going to satisfy everyone, so we suggest those unhappy migrate elsewhere.”
Garnie Goose has proposed allocating the Dells for geese’s private use in exchange for their work, though that discussion is still ongoing, according to Mark Fuller.
Despite the protests, administration and faculty have been moving the program along quickly. They expect it to launch in the Fall of 2023.
The University has asked for more funding from the state to expand the program.
“We really want to provide everyone with a personal safety goose,” Mark Fuller explains. “We are hoping the State will recognize the importance of the PSGP.”
Once the program launches, students will select geese via a matching system, where students and geese will be paired based on similar interests and schedules.
Students can pre-register for a PSG at www.umassdpsg.com.
*This article is written as a parody for the Torchure.