(Image via umassd.edu) 

Photography Manager: Brendan Flaherty

Email: bflaherty1@umassd.edu 

As a new wave of food ideas for the average food enjoyer washes over, the Grove has struck gold.

According to inside informant, Arnie Corsair, the Grove plans to release a new arsenal of foods. Foods that have never been seen before, or at least not in this way.

In efforts to become “hip and cool” with the new students, the Grove plans to introduce new food items in an effort to increase the number of Grove enjoyers within the next semester.

The Food:

The first new addition to the menu is a new food bar to be introduced called the “DIY Grilled Cheese Bar.” Where students can take their plates, pick out their favorite bread and cheese, and then mush it all together!

Students have been able to make their own food combos at different food bar stations like the custom Taco bar or the ever-popular sandwich bar, so why not think bigger?

The idea came to one of the head chefs in a dream where they wondered, “how could we make the Grove simpler? I got it! What could be simpler than bread and cheese?” And with that, the grilled cheese bar was born.

The second addition to the Grove food lineup is one that is beloved by many. Yes, the “Grove Green Eggs and Ham” are coming to a plate near you!

When asked about this new addition to the Grove, some students replied confused, saying, “isn’t that from a kids’ book?” and they’d be right. But after much cooking in the kitchen, the lead chef believes he has come up with real-life green eggs and ham!

According to a local food taster, when asked about this new addition, he said: “it tastes just like regular eggs and ham… but… green?”

Students can find this new addition in the breakfast section in the Grove. And yes, there will still be the classic tater tots, eggs, and sausage to accompany the new green foods.

The third addition to the new food lineup is called “Mom’s Pinterest Silly Snacks,” where the title tells you everything you need to know about it.

You know those funny snack ideas that you see maybe on some social media outlet, and you think, “oh, those look funny and tasty. I wish I had the time to make those.” 

Well, look no further because we found the one person to make them en masse.

In the search for more Grove chefs, one local mother was interviewed and accepted for the job upon discovering she could make those tasty foods people only really find on Pinterest.

Now students can look forward to eating those classic snacks like ants on a log, where peanut butter is spread onto a celery stick, with raisins as the ants and the celery stick as the log.

Or those silly desserts that are always dipped in chocolate, like pretzels and chocolate, or fruits and chocolate with little drops of white chocolate to make a smiley face on the snack.

Of course, all of the “Mom’s Pinterest Silly Snacks” will include a thoughtful message to help students get through the day and feel better.

In a final addition to the new Grove foods, the Grove has done some research and has come to the conclusion that one bar, in particular, is very popular with the students. 

I am, of course, talking about the omelet bar.

Though, now, they have decided to put a twist on everyone’s favorite food in a new creation they are calling, the “Om.”

The “Om” is just the egg part of the omelet, and that’s it. Just a large tortilla folded over made of egg.

The local taste tester for the Grove refused to believe this and walked away without comment. 

Further proof of the Om’s ability to leave people speechless.

Limited Time Events:

As a part of a limited-time event for students to enjoy, the Grove has resurrected an old English legend to bring some serious flavor.

After much search and much trial, the Grove chefs believe they have recreated the 2nd witch’s incantation in the story Macbeth by famous playwright William Shakespeare.

In the words of the second witch in the story, “eye of newt, and toe of frog, wool of bat,” and many more ingredients. 

After reading these lines, they thought, “this would make a great stew.” 

And with that, they got to work.

So sometime during the academic year, they will release what the chefs are calling “Shakespeare’s Surprise.”

And for their last new addition and another limited-time Grove event to look forward to, they are releasing something that is absolutely unheard of.

The Grove chefs have, in a stroke of pure genius, allowed a period of time for the students to have full access to the food ingredients and everything in stock.

This limited time event is being called “We Quit,” which is admittedly a weird name, but this is what they’re calling it. 

The workers are walking out and allowing the students to make whatever they like!

This event will take place sometime after the academic year has come to a close, so all Grove enjoyers should keep an eye out for this limited time event!

*This article is written as a parody for the Torchure.