This is a source of parody, satire, and humor and is for entertainment purposes only, published for the week of April Fools. Said posts or stories may or may not use real names, always in semi-real and/or mostly, or substantially, fictitious ways. As the purpose of said stories is to entertain and amuse and not to disparage any persons, or institutions, in any way and no malice is intended toward anyone or anything, nor should any be construed from the satirically based stories and fake news items. This is not a source of facts or real information. That means all items or stories published for Issue 20 of The Torch are fictitious.
By Benjamin Solomon, Staff Writer
The world is a scary place nowadays. There is political unrest and violence, terrorist attacks occur weekly, and Russia is once again threatening to launch nuclear missiles at the US.
One thing our forefathers did in the face of Russian missiles was to build their own underground bunkers. Once again, this is becoming a viable option despite any sentiments that underground bunker owners are “crazy” or “unhinged.”
Some might say, “What’s the point of hiding in a bunker if the entire world is uninhabitable anyway?” To that all I have to say is I’ll figure it out while I have survived in my bunker and you have not.
Seriously, an underground structure has a lot to offer. Firstly, when you’re not hiding from al-Qaeda or some other sort of commie bastards, a bunker makes good storage space – perfect for all of that junk inherited from grandma.
Just think about it like a second basement but hardened against nuclear fallout.
It doesn’t have to be an ugly little cave in your yard either. A bunker can be decorated just like any room which means you can preserve your feng shui in the event of being stuck there forever.
Your several feet of concrete walls should insulate sound, which can be a benefit to anyone. Need a place for quiet contemplation, or a place to ignore the sounds of bedlam in the streets? There’s your bunker.
This space can be good for being loud too. Need a place to have a rowdy get-together without upsetting your neighbors?
Or how about a place to scream at children on Xbox Live without making your neighborhood concerned that you’re abusing your family? Bunker.
A bunker could be a cool place to live, too. Think about it – bunkers are climate controlled in order to prevent you from being killed by fallout or toxic gas.
That means you don’t need to worry about carrying bulky air conditioner units to your windows every summer, and that you don’t have to worry about wind coming through your drafty Victorian-era house.
It’s basically the real-world incarnation of rugged American individualism.
This space should have all of the goods and amenities that you need to get by, anyway, or it’s not going to be a good survival bunker. Good luck surviving communist invasion without a toilet or toilet paper.
Despite all of this, bunker ownership is not all flowers and sunshine and is thus not for everyone.
Building this structure can be a real pain in the butt. Since it’s underground, you need to gather the right permits from your local municipal government and check to see that there’s no pipes or wires under there. And everybody knows the chore it is to get involved with city bureaucracy.
Additionally, constructing a bunker can be a headache. You first have to dig out the space in the ground.
Then you need to pour dozens of tons of concrete in order to actually build it, and then cover it all with dirt. There’s a series of YouTube videos by Colin Furze that can tell you how to do this, but this is flawed as well because then you have to listen to him talk.
Or, you could have a company do it for you. There are some companies that build modular underground structures perfect for easy assembly anywhere in the country.
What’s more American than paying someone else to do something for you?
That leads to the next problem. Constructing the perfect place to survive the destruction of the outside world as we know it is not cheap. In fact, it’s downright expensive. But, if you’re not willing to spend money to protect yourself and your family, what are you doing reading this anyway?